Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lima Bean!
Lima Bean who?
Lima Bean working on the railroad….!

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, I won a motor home! I won a motor home!

The waitress runs over and argues, Thats impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!

The blonde replies, No. I won a motor home!

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, You couldnt possibly have won a motor home because we didnt have that as one of our prizes.

Again the blonde says, There is no mistake! I won a motor home!

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, WIN A BAGEL.

Hire a teenage while they still know everything,

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you cant read fast.

We dont live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I wont be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldnt have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. Im not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and havent seen them since.

The weather isnt too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we dont make the last payment on Grandmas grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I havent found out what it is yet, so I dont know if youre an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, shes going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldnt get the tailgate down.

There isnt much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

1. They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.

2. They accelerate at a phenomenal rate.

3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance.

4. They can take bumps at twice the speed on private cars.

5. Oil, battery, tire pressures and fluid levels do not need to be checked nearly so often.

6. They have a much tighter turning radius.

7. The floor is shaped like an ashtray.

8. They only burn the cheapest gas available.

9. They do not have to be garaged at night.

10. They can be driven up to 100 miles with the oil warning light on.

11. They need cleaning less often, especially inside.

12. The suspension and trunk floor are reinforced to allow concrete slabs and other heavy building materials to be carried.

13. They are adapted to allow reverse to be engaged while the car is still in forward motion.

14. The tire side walls are designed for bumping into and over curbs.

15. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by the adjustment of the radio volume control.

16. No security is need. They may be left anywhere, unlocked, with the keys in the ignition.

Three women are about to be executed. Ones a brunette, ones a redhead and ones a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim! Suddenly the brunette yells, EARTHQUAKE!!! Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim! Suddenly the redhead yells, TORNADO!!! Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim! and the blonde yells, FIRE!!!

Little Johnny and his Dad were driving through town one day.

Johnny says, You know Dad, I bet I have had sex with more women than you. His Dad was shocked that Johnny could possibly think this, so he says, Son, theres no way! Ive been on this earth 20 yrs longer than you have, there is no way you have been with more women than I have!.

Johnny replies, Yep, Dad, I think I have. So his Dad thinks for a minute, I tell you what, when we see a woman weve had sex with, well clap. Johnny says o.k.

They continue down the street, Johnny says Hey look, its Betty Lou (clap). His Dad looks, Ya, I know Betty Lou (clap).

Look, says his dad, Theres Sally (clap). Johnny says I know Sally (clap). And theres Jenny (clap). His dad looks, Yes, I know Jenny (clap).

So Johnnys dad says Well, Son, Ive got to hand it to you, you havent done bad for yourself, but Ive got ya beat.

They pull into the driveway, Johnnys dad goes in and says Hi Hon (clap).

And Johnny comes in and says Hi Mom, (clap) Sis, (clap) Grandma (clap)

…and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured
the drink he remarked, Thats quite a heavy drink.
Whats wrong? After quickly downing his drink, the
man replies I got home and found my wife in bed with
my best friend. Wow exclaimed the bartender, as he
poured the man a second triple. No wonder you need
a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house.
As the man downed his second drink, the bartender asks
him What did you do? I walked over to my wife the
man replies, looked her straight in the eye and told
her that we were through and to pack her stuff and get
the hell out. That makes sense. said the bartender,
but what about your best friend? The man replied,
I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and
said BAD DOG!

An American was waiting on a London street corner. An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist.

A bit airy… remarked the American.

To which the Cockney girl said, ell yes! What did you expect – feathers?!