Archive for March, 2019

Everywhere I touch it hurts

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

This guy goes to the doctor and says, Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts.

The doctor says, OK. Touch your elbow.

The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain. The doctor, surprised, says Touch your head.

The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts like hell. The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two days.

Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor says Weve found your problem.

Oh yeah? What is it?

Youve broken your finger!

The Cow from Minsk

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did some research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles — or one from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow: it had a wonderful disposition and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. So the people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull, and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day. Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all, he was very wise. They told him the story. Rabbi, weve tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right, the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left, the cow moves to the right. What do we do? The Rabbi pondered for a moment and asked, Did you buy this cow from Minsk? Rabbi! they all replied, You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that? The Rabbi said sadly, My wife is from Minsk.

Little old lady on a long bus trip

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so shed pipe up, Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?

No, lady, not yet. Ill let you know, he replied, time after time. The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view.

Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the breaks, pulled over and called out, This is where you get out, lady.

Is this Oriskany Falls?

YES! he bellowed. Get out!

Oh, Im going all the way to Albany, sonny, she explained sweetly. Its just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill.

RAINY web

Green Bay Packer Fan

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.



The guy said, Yes, thats my wifes seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but now my wife is dead. The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldnt find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together. Oh no, the guy said, theyre all at the funeral.

Experience Great Sex (Chain Letter)

Poza publicata in [ Naughty ]

You will experience great sex within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on. Since the copy must tour the world, you must make ten copies and send them to others. This is no joke. 😉

Send no money.

Send copies to people who need to get laid within 96 hours. After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series of orgasms of his life.

John Elliot tried to pick up a prostitute, but, because he broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead. When they searched his home, they found magazines of little boys which they showed to his neighbors.

In a suburb of Paris, Don Lorays trousers were ripped by an unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to circulate the letter. However, before this happened, a condom machine gave him three condoms for the price of one. (was this the consolation prize?)

Do note the following: Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He asked his secretary to make ten copies and send them out. A few days later he encountered her in a red-light district making more than he had ever paid her at work.

General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what he thought was a quarter in the street. When he bent down to pick it up, a beautiful woman in a miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view.

Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went bowling with his best friend and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed ten copies. A few days later he got a wife and discovered that his old wife, who he thought was wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon for all these years!

Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled hot coffee in his crotch.

In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied to her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with problems including herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted in her futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar. The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter and found a man with a 10-inch penis.

Beware, however of the fate of the E-mail user at Trent University, Peterborough, ONT, that sent this letter to himself over five thousand times in one afternoon. Before leaving the computer lab a strange woman came up behind him, bit his ear and put her hand down his pants. The ensuing surprise caused him to stumble forward and cry out. As he attempted to arrest his fall by grabbing a nearby PC, a gob of spittle that had been flung from his mouth (as he cried out) landed deep into the inner recesses of the computer, all three (student, strange woman and computer) then experienced simultaneous Cyber-Orgasms of exponential intensity before exploding in a puff of smoking data.

You must distribute at least ten copies within 96 hours of receiving this letter. Those who do will find their love lives more fulfilling. Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with mechanical devices!

Dot Lettle Fur Cap – Christmas (risque)

Poza publicata in [ Seasonal / Holiday ]

Der next night vas Christmas
Der night it vas still
Der stockings ver hung
By der shimney to fill.

Nothing vas sturring
At all in der Haus
For fear dot St. Nicklaus
Vos nichts komm heraus.

Der shuldren vas tucked
Away in der betts
And Mama in her nacht gown
And I on ahead

Vas searching around
In her trunk for der toys
Ve krept round quiet
To not make der noise.

Now Mama was carrying
Der toys in her gown
Showing her person
Von up her vaist down.

Wenn as ve komm near
Der crib uff our boy
Our youngest, our sweetest
Our pride und our joy.

His eyes opened vider
As he peeked from his cot
And seen everything
Dot his Mutter has got.

But he didnt take notice
Der toys in her lap
But chust asked
For who is dot lettle fur cap?

His mudder said Hush!
And she laught mit delight
I tink I give dot
To your Poppa tonight!

In Tune

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me.

The husband says, WHAT??

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She cant decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond ear rings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out — but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says but you dont even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.

The husband says, No, no, no, honey were not going to buy all this stuff. The wifes face goes blank. No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says, You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!



Thanx to John Hilbe.

Room Service

Poza publicata in [ Blonde ]

There was a hotel that was widely known for having room service that could provide anything a person could want. A traveler there checked in and immediatly called room service.
He said I want brought to my room, a young virgin between the ages of eighteen and nineteen with blonde hair and blue eyes. I also want four peices of rope, exactly four feet in length, and a whip. Lastly, I want a Hungarian valet, thirty years old, with a dark complexion. Hurry, because Im tired and want to relax. About an hour later, room service called back, Sir, We are very sorry, we have the rope and the whip. The virgin was harder to find because around here, few girls reach that age with virginity intact. We have however, found one of the rare ones and she is somewhat blonde. We are extremely sorry to tell you though, that while we could not find a Hungarian valet as you requested, we have found a Romanian one. Will that do?
The traveler sighed. Im afraid not. So in that case, just send up a doughnut and a cup of tea.

Your best ashtray is a

Poza publicata in [ Redneck ]

Your best ashtray is a turtle shell. 252.Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

You think cur is a breed of dog.

People hear your car long before they see it.

Q: How many engineering

Poza publicata in [ Lightbulb ]

Q: How many engineering students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the rest of the class copies the report.