Everywhere this lady went, nobody wanted to talk to her, no one ever asked her to go out. Guys came up to her and turned away. She wondered why this would happen.

So she went to her doctor and told him what was going on. She thought that maybe there was a problem with her.

The doctor told her he would give her a complete exam. He told her to undress and get up on the table, so she did.

He told her to open her mouth and he checked it. Then he asked her to get down from the table and bend over. He then said to the lady, I know what your problem is, you have zactly.

The lady then asked, What is zactly? The doctor said, Lady your mouth smells zactly like your butt!

as submitted to www.Dilbert.com

The company stock suddenly is worth something, then trading is halted before you can cash in.
Your management has just emphatically denied that any merger is currently being contemplated.
Your paycheck comes with the competitors logo.
The guy you used to yell at during trade shows is introduced as your new boss.
The address on your new business cards does not correspond to the location of the office you go to every day.
I work for the government, so merging with a competitor would probably mean storm troopers marching through the streets.
The customer service folks are told to stop telling customers that company X will cheat them on service contracts. Now theyre our service.
The owners daughter sends you an invitation to her wedding with the competitors son.
The product which your salespeople described not a long time ago as being a dangerous health hazard is now one of the leading products in your sales literature.
I got a very big raise. This makes me very paranoid. Two weeks ago, we had no money and way too much work to do. Last week, I am offered huge raise effective next month. I smell a data merge coming on.
Our URL links to their web site.
401k rollover papers on your desk Monday morning.
When someone quits to go work for a competitor, the company doesnt immediately escort him out of the building.
The resume I sent to our top competitor showed up at my present employer.
You hear about it on the morning news!

Dilbert © 1999 United Feature Syndicate, Inc.

1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife(husband).

3. I resolve to work with neglected children – my own.

4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

6. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily … well, once a week … okay, monthly then … or maybe …

7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since Im not a clock watcher.

8. When I hear Where do you want to go today? I will not reply MS Tech Support.

9. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, LOL … LOL!

10. I will read the manual … just as soon as I can find it.

11. I will think of a password other than password.

12. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning … 4:30 is much more practical.

13. I resolve … I resolve to … I resolve to, uh … I resolve to, uh, get my, er … I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy directions to the post office.

After being told the way by the lad, the Reverend Graham thanked him, adding: If youll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.

I dont think Ill be there, the boy said. You dont even know your way to the post office.

Microsoft just invested $150 million in Apple stock. Why? We think the reasons are obvious:

Bill Gates found spare change in his trousers
First and last months rent on empty office space in Cupertino
Fee: Steve Jobs to give charisma lessons to Microsoft CEO
Two words: Rhapsody 98
Small price to pay for world domination
Bill to Larry: I own you now, too
Jobs and Woz threw in a signed Apple I as part of the deal
Best way to assure Gates a starring role in next Pixar animated feature
Easier than bribing entire Justice Department
Strategic move: Apple users now hate Jobs more than Gates

A road crew is making a giant freeway, when they come across a sign and a lever. The sign reads pull lever and end world. The workers decide not to pull the lever just in case.

One night, a man named Nate is driving home. He is very drunk and is just about to hit the lever when he flies off of the road and explodes.

The headlines in the newspaper the next day all read… better Nate than Lever!

It was late one night and three guys just got done partying. So they needed to find a motel. So they find a super8 motel. They go in to the clerk and get one room because that was all that they could afford.

They get to there room and there is only one bed so quickly one guy says, I get the bed. Then another guy says, I get the bathroom. Then the last guy says, I guess I get the closet.

During the middle of the night the guy in the bed has to take a big ol shit. But he remembers the guy in the bathroom so he does his busness in the pillow case and throws it in the closet.

In the morning he gets up and checks on the guy in the bathroom. They both had a great night sleep. So they go and see their friend in the closet. When they asked how his night was he said, It was pretty good up until a white ghost jumped in and I kicked the shit out of it.

The daughter brings home her boy friend to meet the family. Things are getting serious. The father takes the boy aside:


What do you do for a living? he asks the boy.


Im a Torah scholar admits the boy.


Wonderful, but what are your plans? inquires the father.


I will be a Torah Scholar, says the boy.


How do you intend to support my daughter? the father asks.


I will study the Torah, and G-d will provide for us, says the boy.


Ok, but how will you provide, Baruch HaShem, for my grandchildren?


I will study the Torah and G-d will provide for all of us, says the boy.


After dinner, when the boy goes home, and the mother and father are in the privacy of their bedroom, the mother asks, Nu, how did it go?


Well, the father says, theres good news and bad news. The bad news is he has no means of support, but, the good news is, he thinks Im G-d.

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?



A: I just love nuclear fission. What kind of bait do you use??

You just might be a Redneck if:



Youve ever tried to drown a fish.

You can yell to your mom, Hey, Aunt Betty!

Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.

Youve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.

None of your shirts cover your stomach.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

Youve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

Youve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

Your family tree does not fork.

Your babys first words are Attention K-Mart shoppers.

You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.

The fifth grade is referred to as your senior year.

Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Your gene pool doesnt have a deep end.

You have the taxidermists number on speed-dial.

Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.

Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.

You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.

Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.

You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.