Q: Why does a blonde only change her babys diapers every month?
A: The instructions stated, good for up to 20 pounds.

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the Presidents staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the mans tractor.

Sir, the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

Did you see this terrible accident happen?

Yep. Sure did. The man muttered unconcernedly.

Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?

Yep.

Were there any survivors? the agent gasped.

Nope. Theys all kilt straight out. The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.

The President of the United States is dead? The agent gulped in disbelief.

Well, the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. He kept a-saying he wasnt … but you know what a liar he is.

The other night during dinner my brother told a joke and I laughed so
hard that milk shot out my nose. The creepy part is that I wasnt
drinking milk.

– Dave George

1. Pray here often?


2. I must have great kavanah, because I think my prayers have just been answered.


3. This Social Hall may have been dedicated in 1946, but Ive been dedicated to you ever since you entered the room.


4. Hagbah is easy but picking up a girl like you is intimidating.


5. I see you are using the new linear siddur. Does that mean a lame one-liner might work on you?


6. You are the reason we need a mechiztah in this shul.


7. Since were in a beis knesset, do I have a chance of getting to base with you?


8. The rabbis sermons can put people to sleep. Care to hear his shiur together?


9. You know, I had my bris down the hall in this shul. Want to see where?


10. Dont let my tallis-bag fool you — I got it for my Bar-Mitzvah.


11. This kiddush ginger-ale is quite flat. Unlike you.


12. Just like the Ner Tamid, my love for you burns eternal.


13. Isnt this conspicuosly funny


14. Like the tenth man to make a minyan, you…complete…me.


15. You had me at Adon (Olam).


16. Like an incoherent chazzan, Id like to whisper sweet nothings in your ear.


17. I think Ive lost my page number. Can I have yours?


18. Wont you bimah, bimah baby tonight.


19. I may bless God that He did not make me a woman, but Im sure glad He made you one!


20. You know, I think you owe me a back rub; my neck is sore from noticing you up in the womens section all morning…


21. I notice that your Artscroll Siddur is dog-eared at Tehillim. Could I be what youve been praying for?


22. The Tenth Commandment prohibits us from coveting our neighbors property. I sure hope you live across town!


23. You must feel fortunate to have a minyan wherever you go, cause baby, youre a 10!


24. Do you wear a hat to shul even in warm weather? Would you like to?

Two guys and a girl were sitting in a bar drinking gin and tonics and talking about their respective professions.

The first guy says, Im what you call a YUPPIE. You know Young Urban Professional.

The second guy says,Well, I am what you call a DINK. You know Double Income No Kids.

Then the woman says, Yeah Well, Im a WIFE. You know Wash, Iron, F$&#, Etc.

This is a great business to be in.

You got it,

You sell it,

And you still got it.

(via Original Sins)

One
afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine
when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got
out to investigate.
He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"
"We dont have any money for food," the
poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house
and Ill feed you" the lawyer said. But sir,
I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that tree." "Bring them along,"
the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man
he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But
sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task,
even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once
underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer
and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for
taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied,
"Glad to do it. Youll really love my place –
the grass is almost a foot high!"

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:

I had a terrible time with Iran, so Ive come for some courage.

No problem says the Wizard, WHO IS NEXT?

Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain.

Done says the Wizard.

Who comes next before the Great Wizard?

Up steps George Bush sadly, Im told by the American people that I

need a heart.

Ive heard its true says the Wizard. Consider it done.

Then there is a great silence.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesnt say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?

And Willie replies – Is Dorothy around?

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe youll luck out and catch yourself a big one!

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, This one isnt wearing any shoes either!

( A fellow named Bill Pfieffer, an engineer in Portland, OR, told me these
jokes; Bill is an immigrant from West Germany, and German humor has always
been a little different from ours. )

In the Bundeswehr (West German army) a company of soldiers decided to have
some fun with their company cook, a short, fat, very un-martial young man.
So every morning before he woke up, one of them would defecate into his boot.
The amazing thing was that the cook accepted this treatment silently. Every
morning he would clean out his boot and go to work as if nothing was wrong.

After several weeks of this, the soldiers began to tire of the game; it
wasnt very much fun because the cook never reacted, and they were beginning
to feel guilty as well. So they sent a delegation to apologize to him and
promise to mend their ways.

The cook heard them out, then said, You are going to stop shitting in my
boots? Fine, then I will stop pissing in your coffee.