Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully, the divorce court judge said, and Ive decided to give your wife $775 a week.

Thats very fair, your honor, the husband said. And every now and then Ill try to send her a few bucks myself.

You can buy a Yankee Stadium hotdog in October!

PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I cant help but cry. I mean Id love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.

— Mariah Carey

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.

— Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana…. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but cant remember what they are.

— Matt Lauer on NBCs Today show, August 22

I havent committed a crime.

What I did was fail to comply with the law.

— David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If youre killed, youve lost a very important part of your life.

— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

Ive never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.

— Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

— Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued…. Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.

— Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history… this centurys history…. We all lived in this century. I didnt live in this century.

— Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.

Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.

— Chicago Rotary Club journal, Gyrator

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. Its only the people who make them less safe.

— Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

Ive always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted.

— Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.

— Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.

— Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

FEUDALISM
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN: ANARCHO-CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

You might be a redneck if…
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with A will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with B will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If youre unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks: Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Maam tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union donts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ——- Net Take Home Pay $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. The Management

MEGA MORON AWARDS

Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the banks video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didnt get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).

Q: How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sod you! Thats the electricians job.

En un convento, a una de las hermanas le da un ataque de hipo; como pasaba el tiempo y no cesaba éste, la Madre Superiora decidió llevarla al hospital.

Una semana después, el médico que atendió a la religiosa se encuentra a la Madre Superiora:

¿Cómo está la hermana que tenía el ataque de hipo?

Está totalmente curada, pero ¿qué hizo para curarla?

Recurrí a uno de los métodos más antiguos: asustarla.

¿Y cómo lo hizo?

Le dije que estaba embarazada… ¡Me alegro que ya esté bien!

Sí, ella está bien, pero el Cardenal se tiró del campanario.

NEWS FLASH – GOD ANNOUNCES THE 11TH COMMANDMENT!



During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.



They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.



After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:



Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.