Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married:

Merry Christmas to you and please dont worry. Im just fine considering that I cant breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. Ive sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope youll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so theyll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me — we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet shes never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, its time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but dont you worry about me. Im also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now dont you even think about sending any more money because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is – the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Mom

Dear Sister,

This letter was started by a woman in the hope of bringing relief to other tired and discontented females. Unlike other chain letters,this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy to 5 of your friends who are equally tired and discontented,then bundle up your husband/boyfriend.

Send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your name comes to the top of the list you will receive 16,877 men and one of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better than the one you already have.

Do not break the chain.

One woman broke the chain and got her own bastard back.

At this writing a friend of mine has already received 184 men.

They buried her yesterday,but it took 3 undertakers 36 hours to wipe the smile off her face and 3 days to get her legs together to close the coffin.

Have faith!

Liberated woman…

This couple gets married and finally reach their honeymoon suite after a long love story. When they reached the hotel the younger bride told her older husband that she is going to go into the bathroom to freshen up a little bit and slip into something a little more sexy. She goes into the bathroom and comes back wearing this beautiful lingerie.

As soon as she tried to arouse her husband, he blows a kiss on her hand and turns around and goes to sleep !!

She thought that he may be embarrassed; so she waited till the next day.

The same thing happened the next day when he returned from work!! And continued for the rest of the week! At the end she gave up, and as soon as he returned one afternoon from work, she gave him her hand to kiss her as usual, but he replyed:

Not tonight Honey I am having a Headache!

Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, you know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico. Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything theyll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps.



He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isnt able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces again and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up. Hes got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.



Luckily Joe catches him this time and says, What happened? Was the cord too long?



Barely able to speak, Al gasps, No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd . . . WHAT THE HECK IS A PIÑATA?

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.

While hes talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.

As theyre leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, Thanks for the peanuts.

She says, Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off em.

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. Show the lady your finest mink! the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.



No problem! Ill write you a check!



Very good, sir. says the shop owner. Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.



So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, How dare you show your face in here?! There wasnt a single penny in your checking account!!



I just had to come by, grinned the guy, to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!

Recently spotted in the student union cafeteria at UIUC:

Coffee cups that read, Say NO to drugs.

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbors kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. Hey boy, whatcha got there?
Roll of chicken wire.

What you gonna do with that?

Gonna catch some chickens.

You damn fool! You cant catch chickens with chicken wire! The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. Hey boy, whatcha got there?

Roll of duct tape.

What you gonna do with that?

Gonna catch me some ducks.

You damn fool! You cant catch ducks with duct tape!
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Hey boy, whatcha got there?

Its a pussy willow.

Wait up…Ill get my hat.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because theyre sending their turkey to the White House!

Q: How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I dont know, but I can look it up for you.