Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, So, what did you bring?The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the Grandma Moses of Jail. Then he asked the first, What did you bring?The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games.

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, Why are you so smug? What did you bring?

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, I brought these.The other two were puzzled and asked, What can you do with those?He grinned and pointed to the box and said, Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating….

FRIEND 1: YOU KNOW I BELIVE SUPERMAN IS AN INDIAN

FRIEND 2: WHY IS THAT?

FRIEND 1: BECAUSE ONLY IN INDIA CAN MEN TRAVEL FASTER THAN TRAINS

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth–that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally–but I didnt want to upset him. It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the presidents birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Home is where the house is. Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, youll have a couple of days saved up. It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants. For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. Thats what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, thats five more than the biggest number you could come up with! I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe Dont you think it is about time you audited my return? or Isnt is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding? Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had n

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Boo!
Boo who?
Dont cry its only a joke!

A un karateca, de cinco años de práctica, le preguntan:

¿Qué hace usted cuando le dan un golpe en los testículos?

Hago un bloqueo con la mano izquierda y golpeo con la mano derecha.

A otro karateca, de diez años de práctica, le hacen la misma pregunta:

¿Qué hace usted cuando le dan un golpe en los testículos?

Evito el golpe y contraataco con una patada en el aire.

A otro karateca, que tiene veinte años practicando, le hacen la misma pregunta:

¿Qué hace usted cuando le dan un golpe en los testículos?

Nada, que se le rompa la pierna…, contesta ecuánime.

There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, License and Registration please.



Its okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this, she said smiling.



Thats impossible! The officer replied, Ive never heard of such a license.



The blonde then reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration.



She pointed to the bottom of the license, See? it says so right here: Tear Along The Dotted Line.

The patients family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.



Things dont look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.



Well, how much does a brain cost? asked the relatives.



For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000.



All the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patients daughter asked, Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?



A standard pricing practice, said the head of the team. Womens brains have to be marked down because theyre used.

He laid her on the table



So white clean and bare.



His forehead wet with beads of sweat



He rubbed her here and there.



He touched her neck and then her breast



And then drooling felt her thigh.



The slit was wet and all was set,



He gave a joyous cry.



The hole was wide… he looked inside



All was dark and murky.



He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms…



And then he stuffed the turkey.

Your so fat that when you walk outside in a red shirt everyone Shouts Kool Aid, Kool Aid

My girlfriend is weird.

Just the other day, she asked me, If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?

I thought about a moment and answered, No.

There was a pause, and then she said, Okay, forget it then.