A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

The blonde approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, Would you like me to be your friend?

The girl hesitated, then said, Okay, looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, Why are you standing here all alone?

Because, the little girl said with great exasperation, Im the goalie!

This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPUs, no screaming
disc drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man
for life.

I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire new
series 70, the works. He said itd take about an hour. Three hours
later, wed barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he
invited me downstairs for lunch.

This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service
counter was a menu which began…

MMUs (Main Menu Units)

0001A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.

Must order condiments 00110A separately

001Deletes seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.

00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese,
bun and condiments.

001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.

00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger

001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.

00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and
00310A

001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.

My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The
waitress looked at me like I was an alien.

How would you like to order that, sir?

Quickly, if possible. Cant I just order a sandwich and a drink?

No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you like?

I scanned the menu. How big is the 00010 burger?

The patty is rated at eight bites.

Well, how about the rest of it?

I dont have the specs on that, sir, but I think its a bit more.

Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade.

My sales rep interrupted. No, you want the Single Burger option 002
expands burger to two patties. The double burger upgrade would give
you two burgers.

But you could get return credit on the extra bun, the waitress chimed
in, trying to be helpful, although it isnt documented.

I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a
couple in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who merely
mowed me down in the parking lot with his cherry-red 62 Vette. He was
talking to some woman who was waving her arms around and looking very
excited.

What if… we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable
option and without the burger and cheese? Itd be a BLT!

The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running
steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my
attention again. Have you decided, sir?

Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with the
option 001. I want everything on it. She put me down for the
Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles
with a option to substitute relish.

Ketchup. I hated to ask. I want ketchup on that, too.

Thats not a condiment, sir, its a Tomato Product. My sales rep
butted in again. Thats not a supported configuration.

What now? I kept my voice steady.

Too juicy. The bun cant handle it.

Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it.

The waitress backed away from the counter. Im sorry, sir, but thats
not supported either, the bun can take it but the burger wont fit in
the box. The sales rep defended himself. Just not at first release.
It is being beta-tested, sir.

I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110.
French followed by option 120, English. What the hell are English
Fries? I turned to the sales rep. Chips they call them. We sell a
lot of them.

I gave up. OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle. The
confused the waitress profoundly. Sir, Vanilla as an option is
configured only for series 00450 Milkshakes. My sales rep chuckles.
No maam, he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered
how long it had been on the shelf. I didnt ask.

Very good, sir. The waitress breathed a sigh off relief. Your meal
is now on order. Now how would you like it supported?

Support? She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of
the menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that Ill never
forget.

Implementation assistance?

You get a waiter.

Implementation analysis?

You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat.

Response Center Support?

He brings it to your table.

Extended materials?

You get refills.

I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on my way to the table, and decided itd pass as an emergency napkin.

Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He hadnt been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table waiter slouching in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me and said, Two weeks. But I can get you a standalone chair by the window right away.

I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups of
chile and sauerkraut for the hot dog somebody else had ordered. The
room began to grom dim, my eyesight faded…

I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five
AM, four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did what
it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.

By Stephen Harrison and Noel Magee

IDIOTS & RETAIL

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Mac – Big Bobs favorite fast food.

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, Three million dollars.

The accounts person is startled, and says, In what form?

and the little old lady says, Cash. Ive got it here in this bag…

The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff in big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, Gambling.

Gambling?, he says.

What sort of gambling?

Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, Ive got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and Ill even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 youd be willing to wager on that?

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didnt get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money.

I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldnt feel right taking it from you…theres no way you can win a bet like that! The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, I know what Im doing…and I can afford to lose, though Im not going to. Is it a bet?

Ok, have it your way, said the president, and they shook hands on it.

See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning, said the little old lady, and with that she left. Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank presidents office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. Hed gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.

Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?

said the president.

Hes my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?

No, perfectly understandable, said the president.

Well, its now noon, and Im still unchanged, so I guess I win! he said happily.

Not so fast! said the little old lady.

For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position hed want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

Ok, you win, heres your $100,000, says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

Whats wrong with him?

asks the bank president.

Oh, hes just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.

One fine day Mister Rabbit goes running around the forest.



He sees a giraffe rolling a joint. Giraffe, giraffe! Why do you do drugs? Come run with me instead!



So the giraffe stops rolling his joint and runs with the rabbit.



Then they come across an elephant doing lines. Says the rabbit: Elephant, elephant, why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead.



So the elephant stops and goes running with the two. Then they come across a lion preparing a syringe. Lion, lion, cries the rabbit, Why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead.



The lion, with a mighty roar, bangs the rabbit to smithereens.



No! the giraffe and the elephant cry. Why did you do that? All he was trying to do was to help you out!



The lion replied, Damn rabbit always makes me run around the friggin forest when hes on speed!

There were these 3 guys and they were out walking in the woods, and had no idea where they were. All of a sudden it started pouring with rain. They were stumped if they knew what to do, so they found a hotel and asked if they could have 3 rooms. The concierge said that theyve got 1 room with 1 bed left, so they said OK.



The next morning they woke up and the guy on the left said I dreamed someone was pulling my dick last night. and the guy on the right said Me too and the guy in the middle said I dunno, i dreamed i wasa skiing!

A taxidermist

is on vacation down south. He is feeling



a little thirsty and decides



to have a few drinks at the



nearest tavern. Upon entering the tavern,



the conversation



stops and all eyes turn to him.





Feeling a little uneasy,



he makes his way to the bar to



order a beer. The bartender serves him



and says, Yall



aint from round these parts, is ya?





Guy: No…I



am from Connecticut.





Bartender: What is it you do up there in Connecticut?



Guy: Well, I am a taxidermist.





Bartender: A taxidermist…Hey Al, you ever hear of a taxi-



dermist?



Al: No, never heard of it.





Bartender: So Mr. Taxidermist, what is it you do exactly?



Guy: Well, I mount dead animals.





Bartender: Its OK boys–hes one of us!.

[For the occasional hermit out there without a mail drop, America Online has been distributing 10 Hours Free disks like crazy. They come with magazines, they come by themselves, they are attached to trade journals etc. I have about ten of them now. I have never expressed an interest in AOL but these disks keep mounting up.]



Collect two solar masses worth and detonate the sun.



Activate each account with a different cartoon character name like Bullwinkle, Barney Rubble, Tasmanian Devil, etc. See if you run out of names before you run out of disks.



Activate the disks one at a time. For each disk you activate, download enough files to fill up the reformatted activation disk. Dont stop until you have downloaded all data AOL has to offer. Use remaining unactivated disks for backup of downloaded data.



Get 1000 people to all activate all of their disks at the same time. Monitor trade journals to see which disk storage manufacturer gets AOLs order for new multi-terabyte drive to hold subscriber data base.



Tile your bathroom with your collection. Submit picture of bathroom to GQ (Geek Quarterly) magazine.



Donate disks to charity. Tell IRS that each disk contains $10 worth of software. Use resulting deductions to buy Lichtenstein.



Call the FBI and tell them that these disks are made from refined uranium and homes across the country will begin exploding as soon as they reach critical mass.



Activate all of your disk simultaneously using different IDs. Making effective use of mail forwarding and distribution lists, bring AOL to a screeching halt by creating, sending, forwarding and reforwarding the following message among the various accounts: Stop sending these f*****g disks.



Erase all disks, put new labels on them and resell them as new. Retire at age 43.



Start pyramid scheme with chain letter that tells recipient to mail 1 disk to each of the five people listed in the letter and to send the letter to five more people.

Carla, a 41 year old biologist, comes home from the doctor and runs into her bedroom. She rips her clothes off and starts jumping up and down of her bed.

Her husband Nathan walks into the room and watches Carla for a minute.

You look ridiculous, Nathan says. Whats gotten into you?

I just had my yearly check-up, Carla says. The doctor said I have the breasts of an 18 year old!

Yeah right, and what did he say about your 41 year old ass? Nathan asks.

Funny, she says. Your name never came up.