Whats the difference between a jew and a pizza?

The pizza doesnt scream when you put it in an oven.

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band? A: Because he had his own drumsticks!

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.


All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, What are these, Dad?. To which the man matter-of-factly replies, Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.

Oh I see., replied the boy, pensively. Yes, Ive heard of that in health class at school. He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and ask, Why are there 3 in this package?

The dad replies, Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.

Cool! says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks Then who are these for?

Those are for college men, the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.

WOW! exclaimed the boy; Then who uses THESE? he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, Those are for married men, One for January, one for February, one for March…

Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory when Ed

glanced over and noticed that Teds penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

Blimey, Ed said. Ive never seen one like that before!

Like what? Ted said.

All twisted like a pigs tail Ed said.

Well whats yours like? Ted said.

Well straight like normal Ed said.

I thought mine was normal til I saw yours Ted said.

Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants.

What did you do that for? Ted said.

Shaking off the excess drops Ed said. Like normal.

Shit Ted said. And all these years Ive been wringing it!

Drinking heavily the night before.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, Martha, pack
up your things. I just won the California lottery!

Martha replies, Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?

The man responds, I dont care. Just so long as youre out of the
house by noon!

You might be a redneck if…
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

Faxed to me at work by a colleague:

For Sale by Owner:
Complete Set of Encyclopedia Brittanica
Excellent condition, but no longer needed;
Fucking wife knows everything.

A brunette was jumping along railroad tracks, saying, “21, 21, 21.” A blonde comes along and starts doing the same thing. They hear a train and the brunette jumps off, but the blonde keeps jumping. The blonde gets hit and dies. After the train leaves, the brunette jumps back on saying this time, “22, 22, 22….”