A lady walks into a lesbian bar and orders a Bloody Mary. A blonde walks over to her and said Where do you know me from?

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.The first man had married a woman from Kansas and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were washed and put away.The second man had married a woman from Alabama. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didnt see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was cleaned, dishes were done and she had a huge dinner on the table.The third man had married a West Virginia girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didnt see anything, the second day he didnt see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, Were prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?

She was talking to her Preacher one day about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together.

So, the females yelled at the male parrots, Were prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?

One male parrot said to the other, Put the Bibles away! Weve made it to heaven!

A man goes to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign
remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain
store. So he asks the butcher:

How much for engineer brain?

4 pounds per 100g.

How much for doctor brain?

6 pounds per 100g.

How much for lawyer brain?

100 pounds per gram.

100 pounds an per gram! Why is lawyer brain so expensive?

Do you have any idea how many lawyers you need to kill to get one gram of
brains?

Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it.

Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husbands glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN.

The woman comes back home and tries it the first night. She puts one pill in her husbands glass of water. And that night they have sex.

The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills. That night their love making was even better then the night before.

So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water.

A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks: Hello, hows the whole family doing??

The son, who answered the phone, answers: Well, my Moms dead, my Sisters pregnant, My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, Here KITTY KITTY.

CS Rep: LOVE Technical Support.

Customer: Im not very technical, but I think I can do it if you talk me through. I am ready to install now. What do I do first?

CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep: It depends. What programs are running?

Customer: Let me see … I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs will prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

Customer: I dont know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, Im done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

CS Rep: Yes it is. You should see a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed now?

CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTs in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops … I have an error message already. What should I do?

CS Rep: What does the message say?

Customer: It says ERROR 412 – PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS. What does that mean?

CS Rep: Dont worry, thats a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in nontechnical terms it means you have to LOVE your own machine before it can LOVE others.

Customer: So what should I do?

CS Rep: Can you find the directory called SELF-ACCEPTANCE?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

CS Rep: Youre welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the MYHEART directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves into my HEART!

CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go …

Customer: Yes?

CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help

Jeffrey S. Davis, author

Javelin JV Planning

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Harry!
Harry who?
Harry up and answer this door!
!

Q: How many alt.test readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One postmaster and 100 autoresponder mailbombs.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They dont like to share the spotlight.

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

Are you my doctor? he asked.

Yes, I am.

The baby said Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth.

He looked at his mother and asked, Are you my mother?

Yes, I am, she said.

Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born he said. He then looked at his father and asked Are you my father?

Yes, I am, his father answered.

The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying I want you to know that THAT HURTS!