Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell bibles. So the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. But he was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment. So after the first days of work they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, "How many bibles did you sell?" The boy stood up and said, "35." "Is that all you sold?" the preacher asked. "He looked at the secound boy and asked him the same thing. The boy said, "75." "That is good," the preacher replied. He didnt want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impedement said I-I-I s-s-sold 175. The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how did he sell all of the bibles. He said I-I-I t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-them

Hi. Im Mike. Id like to (sex) tell you about some weird psychological phenomenon (sleep with me) that has been in the media forefront (Im your love slave) in the past few years. Im talking about subliminal suggestion.

Subliminal suggestion (buy me a car) is a technique in which the subconscious is made aware of a concept by having it exposed (and a stereo) to them too fast or in a way the the conscious mind can pick (you want me) up. Thus, the person so suggested (my room 8PM tonite) finds himself doing something that he ordinarily wouldnt do (bring clean sheets).

This technique was often seen being used (Ill get the champagne) in movie theatres, where one frame of a film would have a message like Buy the popcorn. (and the condoms). This one frame goes by so fast the the conscious mind cant possibly assimilate it (I have incredible stamina), but many believe that the subconscious picks it up and causes the mind (I really want you) to act on it.

Does it really (all night is not out of the question) work? Who knows … (and we can bring the stuffed animals and the jello and the peanut butter and the nylon rope and watch I Love Lucy reruns and do things that theyll have to invent new names for when were done and then we can sleep for 3 hours and do it all again) The jury is still out on that one.

Thanks for your time and patience.

The old farmers mule had finally died of old age just before spring planting, so the farmer made a trip to town to buy another mule. His $125 didnt buy much, but he was satisfied with his purchase and he made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up the mule and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him. Early the next day, the old man returned. Jim, said the mule dealer, that old mule died last night. Im real sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring garden. The dealer offered Jim his money back, but Jim refused because a bargain was a bargain. He loaded the dead mule on his truck and left. A couple of months later, the mule dealer happened to drive by Jims place and was astonished to see Jim working his garden on a new $4,000 garden tractor. Honking his horn, he called Jim over and asked him how in the world he had managed to buy a tractor when, not too long ago, all he had was the $125 that hed spent on the dead mule. Well, Jim explained, After leaving with the mule, I had this idea. So, I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000 $2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize: Gardening Equipment. I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town. Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment from Jim? From you… No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize. I got it from you… Jim, all you got from me was a dead mule. I know, thats what I raffled off. My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! Ill bet that really ticked them off when they realized the mule was dead. Nope, not really… the only one really ticked off was the winner, so I gave him his money back.

Why didnt the mouse cross the road?

Its cord wasnt long enough!

God was in the process of creating the universe. And he was explaining to his subordinates ……………
Everything should be in balance. For every 10 deer there should be a lion. Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States. I have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension…. And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature. But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes…. And here is south America. I have given them lots of forests. But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests… So you see fellows, everything should be in balance.
One of the angels asked… God, what is this beautiful country here?
God said Aha…that is the crown piece of all. INDIA. My most precious creation. It has understanding and friendly people. Sparkling streams, serene mountains. A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live. Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold…..
The angel was quite surprised But God you said everything should be in balance.
God replied Look at the neighbours I gave them

Top 12 Rejected Public Holidays

12 Start of Christmas Season Day

11 False Labor Day

10 Make a Move on Your Secretary Day

9 Hallmark Card Day

8 Bring Your Handgun to Work Day

7 Newtsmas

6 Deadbeat Fathers Day

5 Bad Hair Day

4 Put Your Daughter To Work Day

3 Doris Day

2 St. Hooters Day

and the Number 1 Rejected Public Holiday…

1 Hash Wednesday

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

Welcome to Entropy Burgers — may I take your order?

I put in disorder a long time ago. The service here is getting worse all the time.

My experience Gibbs me reason to believe you.

I know the waitress who asked that, too. Her names Ellen Omega. She really made me thermally dynamic. So, I asked her out. I tell you, when she dont like you, she really Boltz, man. Women like that are never distributed normally among the population.

What kind of Poisson would say something like this?

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a big black lab in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the lab is back again.



He walks over to the lab, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the labs mouth, there is a 20 dollar bill.



So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places the bag in the labs mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since its closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the lab. So, off he goes.



The lab trots off down the street and comes to a crossing. The lab puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. When it does, he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The lab then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage.



The lab checks out the times, and sits on one of the benches. Along comes a bus. The lab walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his bench. Another bus comes. Again the lab goes and checks out the number, notices its the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now fully intrigued, follows the lab onto the bus.



The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the lab gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still in tow. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house.



He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whomp!- against the door. Then he goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whomp!- against the door again! Theres no answer at the door, so the lab goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.



He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the lab, who now hangs his head in shame.



The butcher runs up and stops the guy. What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV!



To which the guy responds, Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week hes forgotten his key!

Whats dumb? Instructions on toilet paper.

Whats dumber than that? reading them.



Whats even dumber? Reading them and learning something.



Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something youve been doing wrong.