You might be a redneck if youve totaled every car youve ever owned!

Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news. Patient: Go with the good news first. Doctor: You have 24 hours to live. Patient: What?! How about the bad news? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only
suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in
search of this legendary figure.

One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan
vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open
and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became
aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch.

In pain, she screamed, What the hell did you do that for?

Tarzan replied, Tarzan always check for squirrels.