A man is walking down a beach during sunset when he stumbles across a lamp. Picking it up he says to himself, I wonder if its magic. I think Ill rub it and find out.

Well sure enough this man rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says to the man, Im your genie and I am at your command. I shall grant you three wishes on one condition. Everything you wish for, your wife gets double.

Well the man thought about it and finally blurted out, Give me a million dollars. So the genie gave him a million dollars and his wife two million while reminding him of the one condition.

Next the man said, Id like a house on the east coast and a house on the west coast. So the genie gave him his two houses and his wife four houses.

Finally the genie said, You have one wish remaining but remember, your wife gets double.

So the man thought for nearly an hour about his final wish. Looking up at the genie hovering over the sand he said with a sly grin on his face, Ok Genie, I want you to beat me half to death.

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.

After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

Its o.k., he replied, its written in the Bible.

So after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says its okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil – The hat check girl puts out!

Why do men take showers instead of baths? Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

adenoids…..(n) Space critters whut are keepin Elvis alive on Pluto

anasthesia…(n) Rushun princess yall red bout in skool.

antacid……(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.

bowel……..(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?

bronchitis…(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.

catscan……(v) lukin fer hookers (don yall do this)

cauterize….(v) makin eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)

d & c……..(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live.

emema……..(n) sumone who aint never no frend no how

fester…….(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee)

genital……(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee

heart……..(v) when u cauz pain to some1

hypodermic…(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter

mamogram…..(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female

papsmear…..(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy

recovery…..(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur

rectum…….(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk

seizure……(n) Emperore of Rome.

series…….(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.

testicles….(n) books of the Bible

tumor……..(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call

urine……..(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

122. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, That was your mom. She said shed call back.

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

One day a blonde came into the store and came up to the slerk.

May I have that toaster? she asked. The clerk shook his head.

Im sorry, but I cant sell it to a blonde, said the clerk.

So the next day, a redhead came in.

May I have that toaster? she asked the clerk. The clerk shook his head.

Im sorry, we dont sell it to blondes. he replied. The blonde took off her wig and asked the clerk, How did you know I was a blonde?

Because thats a TV, said the clerk.

If your dog is fat, you arent getting enough exercise
–Unknown

Some days youre the dog; some days youre the hydrant.
–Unknown

Whoever said you cant buy happiness forgot about puppies.
–Gene Hill

In dog years, Im dead.
–Unknown

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
–Aldous Huxley

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
–Robert Benchley

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think thats how dogs spend their lives.
–Sue Murphy

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who havent got the guts to bite people themselves.
–August Strindberg

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
–Fran Lebowitz

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
–Rita Rudner

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
–James Thurber

You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.
–Nora Ephron

Dont accept your dogs admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
–Ann Landers

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
–Robert A. Heinlein

Jack was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the clouds. After climbing the first cloud he met a stinky, unattractive woman who said, Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.

Jack chose to climb the ladder.

At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said, Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success. Figuring it only gets better, Jack chose to climb the ladder some more.

At the next cloud, he met a very attractive woman who said, Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success. Things were getting better the higher he got, so Jack chose to climb the ladder even more.

At the fourth cloud, he met the most gorgeous woman to ever grace the Universe. She looked at him seductively and begged, Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success. Jack was extremely tempted to satisfy his urges but still, he climbed the ladder to success.

At the fifth cloud, Jack was startled when a greasy, 500lb naked man with a pimply penis grabbed him. Jack asked, Who are you?

To which he replied, Oh, Im Cess!

I heard this from a Welsh friend of mine,
Peter Gardiner, who lives in London.

It is the wedding day of Prince Charles and
Lady Di. Charles had been up late the night
before boozing with his old Navy buddies,
woke up late, threw on his clothes and rushed
to the Royal Coach and set off. In the coach,
he noticed that he had forgotten his shoes, so
he borrowed the ones his valet was wearing,
but they were 2 sizes too small.

Charles made it through the ceremony, then
through the reception with his feet in agony the
whole time, and finally with great
relief, went upstairs with his new bride.

Their departure was noticed by the Queen and
Queen Mother who followed them up and
listened at the the door. First they heard,
Ohhh, ohhh, that feels so goood, it was sooo
tight.

I told you she was, said the Queen to the
Queen Mother.

Then they heard,
Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ahhhh, that feels even better,
and it was a lot tighter.

Tsk tsk tsk, said the Queen Mother,
Once a sailor, always a sailor.