You might be a redneck if your wifes hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan!

It was a hot day and a Hollywood star told a visiting Asian actor he knew of a secluded place where they can go skinny dipping.While they were enjoying the cool water, a busload of women suddenly appeared. Both men made a beeline for their towels. The Hollywood star wrapped his towel around his waist, while the Asian actor wrapped his towel around his head. There was a great deal of laughter coming from the women. They were hysterical.Afterwards, when there was only the two of them, the Hollywood star asked his guest why he wrap his towel around his head, instead of around his waist and he replied, “Where I come from we identify with our faces”.

An old Jewish man goes to his local diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal.


The old man replies (with Yiddish accent) Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread.

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. How was your meal, sir? the manager asks. Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread, comes the reply.

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. How was your meal today, sir? the manager asks. Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread, comes the reply.

So … the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. How was your meal, sir? the manager asks, when he comes to pay. Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread, comes the reply once again.

The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.

The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: How was your meal TODAY, sir?

The old man replies: It wass goot as usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread!

An old man hobbled into an ice cream parlor. With some difficulty, he sat on a stool and ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, Crushed nuts?
He replied, No, arthritis.

You probably wont believe this but one day my father-in-law Joe and I were out fishing, well casting would be a more accurate. Well when Joe and I fish we also like to take along something to keep warm, usually 80 proof.

That particular day the fish were not biting and we got a bit caught up in keeping warm. After a while I started clowning around and for a joke I put a minnow on my hook and then dipped it into my cup of Ol Loudmouth and cast it into the lake.

Believe it or not I got an immediate strike and after a major fight landed a 12 pound bass. And that minnow had him right by the throat!

Accidents in the back seat of the car cause children.

Mrs Goldstein was playing a round of golf on a hot afternoon when she hit the ball right into the rough. She went to fetch it and where the ball had landed she found a frog in a trap.

Please help me the frog exclaimed, If you let me out Ill grant you three wishes!

Without wasting any time Mrs Goldstein releases the frog and waits for him to speak again.

What I failed to tell you, the frog said, is that whatever YOU wish for, Mr Goldstein will get 10 times better or more

Mrs Goldstein is happy anyway and goes ahead with her first wish.

I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world! she demanded

You do realise, said the frog, that Mr Goldstein will become the most handsome man in the world and all women will flock to him.

However, Mrs Goldstein believes that if she is the most beautiful woman in the world, then he will only have eyes for her.


Next come her second wish:

I wish I was the richest woman in the world!

And so the frog tld her that Mr Goldstein will be 10 times richer than her. However Mrs Goldstein knew that as his wife whatever money belongs to him also belongs to her.

And finally, the frog said, youre last wish Mrs Goldstein?

I would like a mild heart attck!

As told by Peter Ludwig of Austria at the National Cave Rescue Commission
Cave Rescue Training Seminar:

How do you tell an Optimist from a Pessimist?

An optimist feels that in 20 years a pair of shoes will cost only 100 marks.

A pessimist feels that in 20 years a pair of shoes will cost only 100 rubles.

[Ed: Or, of course, an Optimist feels that this is the best of all possible
worlds, and a Pessimist worries that the optimist may be right. ]

Once there was a little boy called Rohit who lived in the country.

They had to use an outhouse, and Rohit hated it because it was hot in
the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was
sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he
would push that outhouse into the river.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so Rohit decided
today was the day to push the outhouse into the river. So he
got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled
into the river and floated away.

That night his dad Kanjibhai told him they were going to the woodshed
after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

Kanjibhai replied, someone pushed the outhouse into the river today.

It was you, wasnt it, son?

Rohit answered yes.

Then he thought a moment and said,

Dad, I read in school today that Gandhiji chopped down a Pipal tree and
didnt get into trouble because he told the truth.

The dad replied, well, son, Gandhijis father wasnt in that Pipal
tree!

There was a blonde, red, and brunette head and they each called into a radio station and had to say how many ns were in Indiana Jones. The brunette called and said three, she got the money. the red called and said three she got the money. The blonde called in and said seventy seven. He asked how did you get seventy seven? she said you know the theme song. nanananananananananananananana….