Two guys are walking through the forest when one of the guys trips. The other guy calls 911, the operator picks up and asks what his emergancy is. He explains his friend tripped walking through the woods and he doesnt know what to do. The operator tells him to make sure he is dead. The guy says ok and sets the phone down. he walks over to his friend and cocks his gun then shoots. he runs back to the phone and askes what do i do now?

How does a redneck mother know if her daughter has a yeast infection?

Her sons dick tastes funny.

i souport publik edekasion

The Lesson:

The Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them
around him, he taught them saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are they that mourn.
Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are they who thirst justice.
Blessed are you when persecuted.
Blessed are you when you suffer.
Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven…

Then Simon Peter said, Do we have to write this down?
And Andrew said, Are we supposed to know this?
And James said, Will we have a test on it?
And Phillip said, What if we dont know it?
And Bartholomew said, Do we have to turn this in?
And John said, The other disciples didnt have to learn this.
And Matthew said, When do we get out of here?
And Judas said, What does this have to do with the real life?

Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus Lesson plans and
inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive domain…
and Jesus wept.

(Copied off one of our Bulletin Boards here at Dekalb College)
Signed (actually typed)
Joseph Murphy (aka murphyjo@dekalb)

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,

Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

He asks, And what are those?

The Aussie, fed up with the Texans bragging replies with an incredulous look,

What, dont you have any grasshoppers in Texas?

New IRS Tax Policy

GOVERNMENT NOTICE

January 1, 1995

To: All Male Taxpayers

From: IRS

RE: Notice of Increase in Tax Payment Form 1040P

The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.

Accordingly, starting January 1, 1995 your penis will be taxed according to its size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form.

*12-10 inches –Luxury Tax –$50.00

10-8 inches –Pole Tax –$30.00

8-6 inches –Privilege Tax –$15.00

6-4 inches –Nuisance Tax –$5.00

Please Note:

-Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a full refund.

– * Males exceeding 12 inches must file for Capital Gains.

Please do not request an extension

Sincerely,

Pecker Checker

Internal Revenue Services

One brilliant flash and its gone.

The Pope died and went to heaven. When he got there, he found a lawyer in line in front of him at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter came over and told the Pope, Just a minute, Ill be right back.

At that, Saint Peter took the lawyer away.

When Saint Peter came back, he told the Pope, Follow me to your new quarters. Along the way they passed many people in their heavenly abodes, and they happened to pass by the quarters of the lawyer who had preceded Saint Peter through the Pearly Gates. The Pope was awe-struck by the opulence and splendor of the lawyers quarters. There were fine silks, rare foods and drinks, soft music, and attractive young women to serve him for eternity.

Saint Peter and the Pope finally arrived at the Popes new quarters. The Pope looked in and saw a 6 foot by 9 foot room with bare walls, a plain bed and a Bible for entertainment. The Pope said, I dont want to sound ungrateful, but I am wondering why the lawyer gets such a magnificent room and I get this small room.

Saint Peter said, Well, you see, we have a great many popes here in heaven, but only ONE lawyer.

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.



One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open.



He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?



The secretary, who was quite witty replied, Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.