Have you ever heard of the term Coyote ugly?

It was coined when a friend of mine met a man in a bar a few years back. My friend and the man struck up a conversation, and somehow the conversation turned to a discussion of the mans missing left arm. My friend asked the man how he lost his arm. This is the mans story…

I was celebrating my divorce a while back by hitting all of the bars in town. I was quite drunk and picked up a young lady in the last bar I made it to. She invited me to her apartment and I spent the night with her.

The next morning, I was wakened by my left arm which had fallen asleep. I was quite hung over, and when I looked to see why my left arm was alseep, I found that the lady I had picked up the night before was sleeping on my arm! BUT, she was so incredibly UGLY, that rather than wake her up, I chewed my own arm off!!

Hence the term Coyote ugly has come to mean a man or a woman of extreme bad looks!

Have fun!

An old Jewish man was trying to cross a street in Berlin in 1943 when he accidentally bumped into a burly stormtrooper.

Schweinhund, said the trooper aggressively.

Goldberg, greeted the man, stretching out his hand.

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.Jeez, the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home.That was nice of you, she says, looking around…
But wheres his wheelchair?

You might be a child of the 80s if…

… you have deep, personal relationships via computer with people youve never met in real life.

… the phrase going courting, to you, means fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis.

… you know, by heart, the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song.

… not that youd do it personally, but body piercing captivates your attention.

… you remember the days when cocaine was just fine in powder form, thankyouverymuch.

… you think the the Gay 90s refers to this decade and sexual orientation.

… the Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories.

… you remember the first time Space: Above and Beyond aired – it was called Battlestar Galactica

…. songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.

… three words: Atari IntelliVision and Coleco. Sound familiar?

… you remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasnt an expensive option that required gadgets – it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer!

… you remember the days when safe sex meant my parents are gone for the weekend.

… you remember Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV.

… you ever owned a pair of Pop-Wheels – that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market.

… a predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.

… youre pissed that you couldnt really participate in the 60s, pissed that you were a part of the 70s, think you wasted too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80s, and still have no clue what the 90s are all about.

… you see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.

… while in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play 1999 by Prince over and over again.

… you remember when music that was labeled alternative really was.

… one of the top five questions youve always wanted answered was to Robert Smith of the Cure – What WAS that head on the door thing, anyway?

… you were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the name JFK, the first thing you think of is Oliver Stone.

… you, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to Its the end of the world as we know it.

… you cant remember when the word networking didnt have a computer connotation to it as well.

… you took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.

… you knew all the words to Billy Joels We Didnt Start the Fire, but it really didnt hold any meaning for you until about the third verse.

… youve ever conversationally used the phrase Jane, you ignorant slut.

… you watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that youre older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time.

… youve recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: — When I was younger . . . — When I was your age . . . — You know, back when . . . — Because I SAID so, thats why. — What the HELL is this noise on the radio? — Just cant (fill in the blank) like I used to.

… you cant remember a time when going out for coffee DIDNT involve 49,000 selections to choose from.

… Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.

… kids who work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you off by calling you sir or maam.

… youre starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing, and youre ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to buy cigarettes.

… flashback: it was your first chance to vote in a presidential election, and you were SO disappointed because, just for laughs, you really wanted to vote for Gary Hart.

… the first time you heard the candidates names, you were pumped because you thought MICHAEL Jackson was running for President, not this Jesse character.

… you ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.

… at one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm.

… Celebration by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance.

… the first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during Crazy for You by Madonna.

… there were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of Skip Buffy Muffy or Dexter.

… you ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons.

… you used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time.

… you remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete.

… the phrase Wheres the beef? still doubles you over with laughter.

… you read the Hot Video Games Players Secrets guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old times sake.

… honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.

… you ever had nightmares about the giant red evil robot Maximillian from the Disney movie The Black Hole and those blender attachments he had for hands.

… you were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes and talked strangely.

… (guys) your first wet dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie, Marsha Brady, Samantha from Bewitched or, for those hardcore comic fans out there, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats.

… (girls) you thought Sean Cassidy was dreamy, lusted after Ted, your ships photographer on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.

… youre still occasionally suffering flashbacks from your 21st birthday party.

… youre starting to dread youre 30th birthday, and have even begun going into denial about its possibility.

… youve ever said Im a vegetarian and immediately had someone call you a hypocrite by saying Nice leather jacket you have there… and gee, is that a suede bag… those shoes leather, too?

… youre starting to believe that maybe 30 isnt so old after all, and its those people over 40 you have to look out for.

… you freaked out when you found that you now fall into the 26 – 50 age category on most questionnaires.

… you have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age.

… your hair, at some point in time in the 80s, became something which can only be described by the phrase I was experimenting.

… this timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life: Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool.

Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cooler, and you want one of every collectible out there.

Return of the Jedi hits the theaters, you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leias breasts or Han Solos butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, an teen-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.

… you remember when the phrase candy is dandy, but sex wont rot your teeth started getting followed by yeah, but M&Ms wont give you AIDS…

… youve ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?

… you cant remember a time when hitting the outlet stores didnt mean going to an electrical warehouse.

… youre starting to believe (now that it wouldnt affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldnt be such a bad idea after all.

… youre doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree.

… you wont walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because theres too many kids there.

… going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up.

… you want to go out dancing, you really, REALLY do, but your back hurts, sorry.

… youre starting to think that Corvettes really look good, and arent REALLY for guys going through a mid-life crisis and worried about their penises. Thats not YOU.

… youre starting to get that Why arent you married yet? schpiel, not just from parents, but now from friends who are married.

… youve recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to do so.

… youre finding that you just dont understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more.

… (mostly guys on this one) sex is still as much fun as it used to be, and youre still really interested in it, but you just want to make sure theres nothing really good on cable that youd be missing first.

… you ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.

… U2 is too popular and mainstream for you now.

… you ever used the phrase kiss mah grits in conversation.

… when somone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end.

… you remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.

… you ever used the phrase dont make me angry… you wouldnt LIKE me when Im angry when trying to frighten someone off.

… you spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man.

… you had ringside seats for Luke and Lauras wedding (on General Hospital).

… you remember Hey, lets be careful out there.

… your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway.

… you know who shot J.R.

… this rings a bell: and my name, is Charlie. They work for me.

• The reason why our bras dont always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

• The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

• If were watching football with you – its not bonding – its the butts.

• If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.

• Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

• Dont fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day.

• Please dont drive when youre not driving.

• Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

• Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take.

• If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldnt ask in bed.

• The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

• If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of whos easy?

• Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we dont care.

• When youre not around, I belch loudly, too.

• Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life – youll never see the island coming.

• Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.

• Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that y chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.

• Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

• Your balding is a good thing – it subsidizes our hair care expenses.

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they dont want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny.

How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?

He replies Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.

His father says Thats fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?

Johnny answers Well, so far, weve been lucky…

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?

They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

Because everyone gets a turn

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

Why was the Tomato blushing?

Because he saw the salad dressing.

A termite walks into a barroom and asks,

Is the bar tender here?

Why didnt the skeleton cross the road?

Because he/she had no guts!

What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Their middle name.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?

They all have phones.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck!

Why dont cannibals eat comedians?

Because they taste funny.

A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar.

A pint of lager and a mop please.

Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.

Yes sir, its fresh ground.

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick.

A horse walks into a bar, the barman says

why the long face?

Why are proctologists so gloomy?

They always have the end in sight.

What do you give an elephant with diarreha?

Lots of Room

What does mozart do now that he is dead?

He decomposes.

Why do they put bells on cows?

Because their horns dont work!

Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says god its hot in here, and the other sausage says…

OH MY GOD ITS A TALKING SAUSAGE!

A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 roubles – or one from Minsk for only 1000 roubles. So, naturally, – they got the cow from Minsk.

It was a great cow had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.

They told him the story. Rabbi, weve tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?

The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, Did you buy this cow from Minsk?

Rabbi! they replied as one, You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?

The Rabbi said, sadly, My wife is from Minsk.