Ive learned that we dont have to ditch bad friends because
their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

That was the last time they saw female genitalia!

You might be a redneck if…
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire…on her house

The biology teacher at the all-girls academy was handing back a test on the male anatomy.

I dont understand why you girls cant understand the male sex organ. Youve had it pounded into you all semester!

A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the
island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he
gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will
go on.

The native casts about nervously and says, Very bad when the drumming stops.

At the end of the day, the drumming is still going on and is starting to get on
his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop.

The native looks as if he has just been reminded of something very unpleasant.
Very bad when the drumming stops, he says, and hurries off.

After a couple of days with little sleep, our tourist is finally fed up, grabs
the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts, What happens when
the drumming stops?!

The scared native answers, Bass solo.

Meyer, a lonely widower was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish:

Quawwwwk…vus macht du…yeah, du…outside, standing like a putzel…eh?

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldnt believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot…

Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?

Meyer turned excitedly to the storeowner. He speaks Yiddish?

Vuh den? Chinese maybe?, the bird said.

In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his fathers adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.

The next morning, Meyer began to put on his tefillin all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tefillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learn every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved.

One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyers shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle and Meyer was questioned by everyone including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holydays but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven.

Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyers shoulder as one prayer and song passed — Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, Daven! Nothing. Daven…parrot, you can daven, so daven…come on, everybodys looking at you! Nothing.

After Rosh Hashanah services concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, pissed off, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tefillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?

Dont be a schmuck, the parrot replied. Think of the odds on Yom Kippur.

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

Cmon, tell me, she asked for the thousandth time, how many women have you slept with?

Baby, he protested, if I told you, youd throw a fit.

Kim promised she wouldnt get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

Okay, he said, then started to count on his fingers One, two, three, four, five, six, seven – then theres you – nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen…..

Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years? The Fairy godmother replied, Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns? Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother. The Fairy Godmother replied It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish? Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again. At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long-forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke You have one more wish, what shall you have? Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man. Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when complete he stood before her, a man so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen. The Fairy Godmother again spoke, Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life. And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she

A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.

Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!

Operator: Okay, sir, youre an ambulance!

Q: How many Indiana University notes users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Have you ever wondered why its so dark in Bloomington?