What do you have if there are 100 rabbits standing in a row and 99 take a step back?

A receding hare line.

Four nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for, whom they all felt was an arrogant jerk. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.

The first nurse said, I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldnt hear.

The second nurse said, I let the mercury out of his thermometers and painted them all to read 106 degrees.

The third nurse said, Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all of the condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer.

The fourth nurse fainted.

The President is meeting with Saddam Hussein regarding the recent crisis. They are meeting in Husseins Baghdad capital, and halfway through the meeting Hussein hits a button on his armrest. A fake arm flies out and hits Clinton in the face.
A little while later he hits another button and Clinton ducks, only to be kicked in the butt. A while later, this happens again. Clinton is angry, calls a break, and they decide to meet again later, in Washington.
When Hussein comes to DC, they sit in Clintons office. A few minutes into the discussions, Clinton hits a button, Hussein ducks, but nothing happens. A few minutes later, Clinton hits another button, Hussein ducks again, but still nothing happens. This happens a third time, and Hussein, by this point, is angry and paranoid.
He gets up and shouts Enough of this! Im going back to Baghdad!
Clinton looks up and displays a funny-looking smirk to the Iraqi leader. Then quite calmly replies, What Baghdad?

Real Programmers dont eat quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke and palate scorching Szechwan food.
Real Programmers dont comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and harder to modify.
Real Programmers dont document. Documentation is for simpletons who cant read listings or the object code from the dump.
Real Programmers scorn Floating Point Arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to think big.
Real Programmers programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order in only a few 30-hour debugging sessions.
Real Programmers dont read manuals. Reliance on a reference is the hallmark of the novice and the coward.
Real Programmers dont write application programs. They program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for the dullards who cant do systems programming.
Real Programmers dont write in RPG. RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who maintain ancient payroll programs.
Real Programmers dont write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon Business Oriented Laymen who cant run a business, not a real program.
Real Programmers dont write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
Real Programmers dont write in PL/I. PL/I is for insecure anal retentives who cant choose between COBOL and FORTRAN.
Real Programmers dont write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after puberty.
Real Programmers dont write in APL unless the whole program can be written on one line.
Real Programmers dont write in LISP. Only faggot programs contain more parenthesis than actual code.
Real Programmers dont write in Pascal, BLISS, Ada or any of those other sissy computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.
Real Programmers dont write specs. Users should be grateful for whateverthey get; they are lucky to get any programs at all.
Real Programmers dont do flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterates form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much good it did them.
Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are around at 9 AM, its because they were up all night.
Real Programmers never write memos on paper. They send memos via MAIL.
Real Programmers like vending-machine popcorn. Coders pop it in microwave ovens. Real Programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell which jobs are running just by listening to the rate of popping.
Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.
Real Programmers dont play tennis, or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and Real Programmers wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
Real Programmers dont like the Team Programming concept. Unless, of course they are the Chief Programmer.
Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.
Real Programmers dont drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns, or Pickup trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.
Real Programmers dont believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers firm up schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real Programmers ignore schedules.
Real Programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every Real Program. Candyass architects wont allow Execute instructions to address another Execute as the target instruction. Real Programmers despise petty restrictions.
Real Programmers dont bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesnt sell it, they dont eat it. Vending machines dont sell quiche.

During the French Revolution, three professionals were arrested and convicted of having bourgeois values. They were a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer.

They were to be led to the guillotine one by one. The crowd was roaring with anticipated pleasure.

First up was the doctor. How dare he enrich himself through other peoples illnesses? Access to basic health care is a right, right?

The doctor was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. The blade started on its massive, implacable way down. And lurched to a stop.

The official in charge declared that it would be inhumane to make the doctor suffer this way more than once, so he was setting the doctor free. The crowd howled.

The executioner checked his equipment. All was in order. He put a small tree branch in, and successfully lopped it in half. He re-sharpened the blade.

Next up was the lawyer. Who needs an excuse to wish such a lying, cheating scoundrel dead? The crowd was thunderous in its applause.

The lawyer was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. Again, the blade stopped part-way down! The presiding official once again said that he would set this prisoner free because of the unusual circumstances. The crowd screamed in frustration.

Now came the engineer, a man whose innovations and devices were costing jobs. The crowd fell silent. The executioner checked and re-checked his equipment.

As the engineer was marched up to the guillotine, he looked carefully at it, and said, Wait. I see your problem.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
Im sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess who?"
But why? asks the man.
Im a divorce lawyer."

Yo mama has so many teeth missing, it looks like her tounge is in jail.

Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
A: 10, one to change the light bulb and 9 to misread the manual.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so noone bashes it with a big stick, one to change it, one to suggest they all roll a log down a hill to celebrate, and one to invite all the others round to his log cabin so they can all watch his moose moult.

Año 500 a.C.: Ven aquí y come esta raíz que sanarás.

Año 1000: Esa raíz es cosa de ateos, reza esta oración a Dios que está en el Cielo.

Año 1792: Dios no está en el cielo, la que rige es la razón. Ven aquí y bebe esta pócima.

Año 1917: Esa pócima es para engañar a la gente, te sugiero que tomes esta píldora.

Año 1960: Esa píldora es anticuada y en desuso. Llegó el momento de tomar un antibiótico.

Año 2000: Los antibióticos te dejan débil y desanimado. Éste es un tratamiento nuevo, consiste en comer esta raíz.