Old and New Jokes

Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Cause it said concentrate.

Al llegar a su casa, una mujer de 60 años escucha ruidos extraños en una de las recámaras. Abre la puerta y descubre a su hija de 40 años usando un vibrador.

¿Qué estás haciendo?, pregunta sorprendida la madre.

Mamá, tengo 40 años y mírame, soy fea, nunca me casaré, así que esto es más o menos mi esposo.

La madre sale de la habitación moviendo la cabeza. Al otro día, el padre entra a su casa y escucha ruidos en el cuarto e inmediatamente entra, encontrando a su hija usando el vibrador.

¿Qué diablos estás haciendo?, pregunta ofendido el hombre.

Su hija replica:

Ya le dije a mamá. Tengo 40 años y soy fea. Nunca me casaré y esto es lo más cercano a un hombre… Como si alguna vez hubiese tenido esposo.

El padre sale de la habitación moviendo la cabeza. Al otro día, la madre llega a casa y encuentra a su esposo con una cerveza en una mano y el vibrador en la otra viendo el ESPN en la TV.

¿Qué estás haciendo?, grita ella.

¿Qué parece que estoy haciendo? ¡Estoy aquí sentado, tomando una cerveza y viendo el juego con mi yerno!

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)



Step 3: Put turkey in the oven



Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey



Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens



Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink



Step 7: Turn oven the on



Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky



Step 9: Turk the bastey



Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get



Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer



Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey



Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours



Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey



Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey



Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick



Step 17: Turk the carvey



Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch



Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey



Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks Have you got the time?

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. Its a quarter to six, he says.



Hey, thats a pretty fancy watch! exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little.



Yeah, its not bad. Check this out – and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.



He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says The time is eleven til six in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues Ive put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.



The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. Thats not all, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning, explains Jake.



View recede ten, Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.



I want to buy this watch! says the stranger.



Oh, no, its not ready for sale yet; Im still working out the bugs, says the inventor.



But look at this, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far says Jake.



Ive got to have this watch!, says the stranger.



No, you dont understand; its not ready –



Ill give you $1000 for it!



Oh, no, Ive already spent more than –



Ill give you $5000 for it!



But its just not –



Ill give you $15,000 for it! And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.



Jake stops to think. Hes only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.



Jake abruptly makes his decision. OK, he says, and peels off the watch.



They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.



Hey, wait a minute, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases hed been trying to wrestle through the bus station. Dont forget your batteries.

Q:Whats a chicken in a hot tub?

A:Soup

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the marriage cup,
Whenever youre wrong, admit it,
Whenever youre right, shut up. — Nash

Advertising Rule: In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is curable.

There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around
late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession.

The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve
from Adams rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the
oldest profession in the world.

The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God
created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best
civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the
oldest profession.

The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded,
Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?

A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with shit, crossed her path.

Oh, dear, the lady said, come on, Ill clean you! She took a Kleenex from her purse and whipped the duck clean. After finishing, she urged the duck away saying, Be careful next time!

She walked on and another duck, with shit all over it, crossed her way. Again she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck. She warned this one as well and the duck took off. Soon after, she encountered a third duck with the same problem.

Now Ive had it! She whinned. What have you all been doing? And for the third time she acted like a Florence Nightingale and tended the duck.

She continued her stroll when suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes. Hey, you, lady! sounded a male voice in distress.

Yes? she replied.

Do you have a Kleenex?

No, not anymore, she answered.

Too bad. I guess Ill just have to use another duck.

http://chucklesofchoice.com

…consults a psychic about the date of his impending death. Closing her eyes, and silently reaching into the future realm, she finds the answer.
“You will die on an American holiday.” “Which one?” bin Laden asks nervously. “Doesn’t matter,” replied the psychic. “Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!”