To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the marriage cup,
Whenever youre wrong, admit it,
Whenever youre right, shut up. — Nash

Advertising Rule: In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is curable.

There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around
late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession.

The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve
from Adams rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the
oldest profession in the world.

The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God
created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best
civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the
oldest profession.

The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded,
Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?

A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with shit, crossed her path.

Oh, dear, the lady said, come on, Ill clean you! She took a Kleenex from her purse and whipped the duck clean. After finishing, she urged the duck away saying, Be careful next time!

She walked on and another duck, with shit all over it, crossed her way. Again she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck. She warned this one as well and the duck took off. Soon after, she encountered a third duck with the same problem.

Now Ive had it! She whinned. What have you all been doing? And for the third time she acted like a Florence Nightingale and tended the duck.

She continued her stroll when suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes. Hey, you, lady! sounded a male voice in distress.

Yes? she replied.

Do you have a Kleenex?

No, not anymore, she answered.

Too bad. I guess Ill just have to use another duck.

http://chucklesofchoice.com

…consults a psychic about the date of his impending death. Closing her eyes, and silently reaching into the future realm, she finds the answer.
“You will die on an American holiday.” “Which one?” bin Laden asks nervously. “Doesn’t matter,” replied the psychic. “Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!”

Two guys in a jungle, come around a corner and meet a lion head-on pawing the ground.

One guy ever so carefully reaches into his knapsack and slowly takes out a set of Nike running shoes, never once breaking eye contact with the lion.

2nd guy hisses: What are you doing, you cant outrun the lion 1st guy says: No, but all I have to do is outrun you!

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship,they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.



There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.



Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?



The perfect woman.

Shes the only one that really existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man..



* A Males Response *



So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

11. Speak in a weird language. When they say they dont understand you say Me no speak English10. Keep cutting someone off. When they yell at you say they made me do it!9. Pick a car out and follow it. When the driver looks at you say Hey wait a minute. Youre not Dad!8. If someone flicks you off look inside your car and yell back Youre right. It IS 1 oclock.7. Whenever a car trys to pass you yell Oh, its on, and pass them back.6. Whenever you see someone speed, go WHHHHOOOOOHHHHHOOOOOOOOO like a siren and follow them. 5. When someone asks for directions, point both ways. 4. When someone yells an obscenity at you say Is that you, Russell Jones? Cause if it is, im telling yo momma!3. Ask other drivers if were over the border yet. Signify that you want them to say yes.2. Two Words: Egg Salad1. My Personal Favorite: Whenever one of those guys playing really loud rap is next to you at a traffic light, roll down the windows and play classical music even louder.

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the Axis of Evil, Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the Axis of Just as Evil, which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. Right. They are Just as Evil… in their dreams!, declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. Everybody knows were the best evils… best at being evil… were the best.Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. They told us it was full, said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.An Axis cant have more than three countries, explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. This is not my rule, its tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three.And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool.THE AXIS PANDEMICInternational reaction to Bushs Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Arent the Worst But Certainly Wont Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, Up nuts!

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, Down nuts! And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, Cheer nuts! And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, Well…everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!