A doctor has some trouble with the sink, on a public holiday.
He calls the local plumber, only to be told its his day off …

But I get called out on my days off, too!
says the doctor, somewhat exasperated, and the plumber relents.

The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied.
He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of
aspirin and walks out, saying,

Put these in. If it doesnt clear up in 24 hours, come
and see me tomorrow.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

A obviously pissed off man walks into a bar and yells All Lawyers are assholes! Show Me a Lawyer, and Ill show you an Asshole! Another man walks up to the guy and says I resent that statement! The first guys says Why, Are you a Lawyer?

and the second guys replies NO! Im an ASSHOLE!

Un tipo que estaba a punto de morir pensaba: Creo que en esta vida he sido muy malo y San Pedro seguramente no me dejará entrar al cielo; ya sé, cuando vaya a presentarme donde San Pedro le llevaré un saco lleno de nances para sobornarlo y así me dejará entrar.

Entonces un ángel oyó el vil pensamiento de aquel hombre y fue y lo acusó con San Pedro.

Cuando al tipo le llegó la hora de presentarse ante San Pedro éste ya sabía de su plan y le dijo: Ahora por haber pensando en sobornarme en castigo te pondré que te metas todos esos nances uno por uno por el culo.

Por allá estaba el pobre hombre detrás de una nube metiéndose los nances, cuando ve al ángel que lo había acusado cagado de risa. Y entonces el mae le dice: Claro pendejo, como no eres tú el que estás en esto te cagas de risa.

A lo que el ángel le contesta: Yo no me estoy riendo de tí, me río porque allá veo venir a otro con un saco lleno de cocos.

El primer día de clases, la maestra pregunta a sus alumnos:

Juanito, ¿cuál es la profesión de tu mamá?

Secretaria, profesora.

¿Y tu mamá, Pepito, a qué se dedica?

¿Mi mamá? Mi mamá es sustituta.

¿Cómo dices?

¡Sustituta!

Esa profesión no existe, Pepito. Por favor, explícanos lo que hace tu madre.

Bueno, mi mamá se para en una esquina y allí llegan unos señores que le dan dinero; entonces ella entra con ellos a un cuarto de hotel y, después de media hora, los señores salen apretándose el cinturón…

¡Pero, Pepito, entonces tu mamá no es sustituta, sino prostituta!

¡No, no, la puta es mi tía que está enferma! Mi mamá sólo le está cuidando la esquina…

Estaba el padre en la Iglesia, cuando de pronto llega una ciega, éste la ve y le pregunta:

Buenos días, hija, ¿qué se te ofrece?

La ciega le dice:

Padre, estoy muy triste, nadie me quiere, soy fea, ciega, nadie quiere ser mi pareja y nadie quiere tener sexo conmigo.

Hija, como tu eres ciega y realmente estás fea, sólo te ayudaría un milagro, pero confía en Dios y te ayudará.

La ciega, más triste que nunca, sale de la iglesia, va caminando por las calles muy insegura, cuando por accidente se sube a un puente. Como era ciega, se desorientó y se cayó del alto puente.

Afortunadamente, la ciega cayó en un camión lleno de plátanos, y empezó a tocar con las manos a sus alrededores para saber dónde había caído, cuando de pronto sorprendida dice:

¡Ay, chicos, uno a la vez, uno a la vez!

A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migrane headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migranes and STILL no improvement. Listen, says the doc. I have migranes, too…and the advice Im going to give you isnt really anything I learned in medical school, but its advice that Ive gotten from my own experience. When I have a migrane, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand…especially around the forehead.

This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex…and almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.



Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! Ive had migranes for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!



Well, says the physician, Im glad I could help.



By the way, Doc, the patient adds, You have a really nice house.

There was a blind man and he was looking for a

new job… he decided to go out and find a jod with



wood so he went out looking for a job….





he found a place he went in and applied by



person.. the boss told him that he was not looking



for anyone at the moment but the blind man



proceeded to beg the boss…





finally the man gave in and the blind man told him



he could tell him the length of the wood and the



kind that it is so the boss brought out a piece of



wood that was 2 feet long and it was pine.. he



held it to the blind mans nose and the blind man



told him exactly what length and what kind of



wood it was.. so the boss got a piece that was 3



feet and oak and again the blind man guessed



right on the dot .. then the boss wanted to trick the



blind man so he went and got old lulu the cook..



brought her out and bent her over the blind man



took one big wiff and asked the boss to turn it over



so she turned over and the blind man took



another big wiff then screamed UH HUH… its a



shit house door off a tuna boat.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are all boasting to each other about
presents they have bought their wives for their birthdays.

The Englishman says Ive bought my wife a 24-carot gold ring and a
glove.

Why have you got her a glove? the other two ask.

Because when she wears the ring in public, I want her to wear the glove
so no-one can nick it off her finger he replies.

The Scotsman is not impressed and proudly braggs Ive got my wife a
diamond necklace and a scarf.
The other two, slightly confused, ask Whats the scarf for?
So that when she wears it in crowded places, she can put the scarf around
her neck to prevent it being snatched the Scotsman replies.

The Englishman and Scotsman, both feeling proud at their gifts, were keen
to hear
what the Irishman had bought his wife and invited him to tell them.
Well, I got her a pair of shoes and a vibrator he says.

The others, slightly taken aback, ask him why he bought the vibrator, to
which he
replies Cos if she doesnt like the shoes she can go screw herself!

Trumpet players.
All they have to do is hold the bulb up to the fitting, and allow the universe to revolve around them.