Old and New Jokes

Some fun rules

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isnt looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. Id explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday well look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and Ill tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days youre the pigeon, and some days youre the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isnt there the first time you need him, chances are you wont need him again.

10. I dont have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, Where the heck is the ceiling?!

12. My Reality Check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I dont suffer from stress. Im a carrier.

15. Youre slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody elses weirdo.

And,

18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

A Doberman!

If Microsoft Built Cars…



1. A particular model year of car wouldnt be available until after that year instead of before it.



2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, youd have to buy a new car.



3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and youd have to restart it. For some strange reason, youd just accept this.



4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then youd have to buy more seats.



5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast – but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.



6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single General Car Fault warning light.



7. People would get excited about the new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.



8. Wed all have to switch to Microsoft gas.



9. The U.S. government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.



10. New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “Youre beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “Youre cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

I need to whip it out by 5 oclock
Mind if I use your laptop?
Just stick it in my box
If I have to lick one more, Ill gag!
I want it on my desk, NOW!
HMMMMMMM … I think its out of fluid
My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish
Its any entry-level position
When you do think youll be getting off today?

And the #1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isnt …

Its not fair… I do all the work while he just sits there!

I dont know and I dont care!

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it, looked into his pocket, asked for another beer. Which he chugged, then looked into his pocket, and asked for another beer. This went on for a while then the bartender finally asked, How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket? The man said, because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and Im gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home.

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill. So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, I havent got it. The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill. The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he cant possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, I havent got it. The bartender cant believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, What, no drink for me this time? The drunk replies, You? No way! You get too violent when you drink.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ooze!
Ooze who?
Ooze in charge round here!

Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!