Old and New Jokes

Some people may think this joke is only funny to senior citizens. I
think not. My parents heard it at an elder hostel in New Mexico this summer.

Seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so
they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come
home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it.
Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the
garden.

Neighbor: Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory
course you liked so much?

Ed: Well, it was…hmmm…let me think a minute…

Whats the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so
nice, but has thorns on the stems…?

Neighbor: You mean a rose?

Ed: Yeah, thats it…(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the
memory course instructors name?

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, We need some four-by-twos.
The clerk said, You mean two-by-fours, dont you?

The man said, Ill go check, and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.

Alright. How long do you need them?

The customer paused for a minute and said, Id better go check. After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, A long time. Were gonna build a house.

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested?

An accomplice.

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested?

A lawyer.

A Father is a man with pictures in his wallet, where he used to keep his money when he was single.

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.

Yes, replied the murderer. Will you hold my hand?

If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. Ones a brunette, ones a redhead, and ones a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .

Suddenly the brunette yells, earthquake!! Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .

The redhead then screams, tornado!! Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .

The blonde shouts, fire!!

There was a soldier that enlisted in the army to go to war. On the first day they were lining up for guns. He was toward the end of the line and, when they got to him the supply sergeant said they didnt have any more guns, so they gave him a broom and told him to point it at people and say,“Bangitty bangitty bang!” So he thought, “Oh great, I come out here to fight for my country and they give me a broom.”
Then the next day they were lining up for bayonets and he was at the back of the line again. And when they got to him, again he was told they didnt have any left, so they gave the soldier a carrot and told him to tie it to the end of his broom, stab people with it and say,Stabitty stabitty stab. And he thought, “Yeah great, Im gonna go out there and get killed. Just what I always wanted.”
So when they went out on the battlefield, the soldier walked out there and decided hed at least try it out, rather than just stand there and be killed. So he went up to someone and said, “Bangitty bangitty bang!” and the guy fell over dead. So he thought, “My God! This actually works!
” He went up to another person and said, “Stabitty stabitty stab” and, again, the guy died. So he went around killing people with his broomstick and his carrot, thinking, “Wow! This is so cool!”
Then he sees this guy standing all by himself and the soldier thinks, “Easy target. Im going to go get him.” So he goes over there and says, “Bangitty bangitty bang,” and nothing happens. He goes closer and does it again and still nothing happens. So the soldier thinks, “Oh no! It must be out of bullets! But how do you reload a broom?” So he gets closer and says Stabbety stabbety stab.“Stabitty stabbity stab.” And still nothing happens. But then the guy he was trying to kill ran over him! And, as he was running over the soldier, he said, “Tankitty tankitty tank.”

A friend was in Japan on business. On one day, the company he was visiting took him out for a round of golf. Although he was not a good golfer, he loved to play. Everytime he hit a bad shot, his caddy would bow and say Osheetabazhow.

He was really impressed with their politeness and especially that of the caddy despite his poor play. On the back nine, after a poor shot and the caddy again bowed and said osheetabazhow, his curiosity got the better of him and he asked his host about the caddys expression.

The host replied that he was saying, in poor English, Oh shit! Too bad, Joe..

A Japanese expression meaning cooperation – Yotamashu, atayushu (translation You tie my shoe, I tie your shoe)

These signs are not real, but somewhat funny nonetheless.

Sign in a non-smoking area:

If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

Sign on the door of the maternity ward:

Push Push Push.

Sign on used car lot:

Second hand cars in first crash condition.

Sign on fence:

Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

Sign at a hotel.

Help! We need inn-experienced people.

Sign in a science teachers room:

If it moves, its biology.
If it stinks, its chemistry.
If it doesnt work, its physics.

Sign in an office:

We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

Sign in a veterinarys waiting room:

Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

Sign in beauty shop window:

Dye now!

Sign at a computer store:

Out for a quick byte.

Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home:

Drive carefully. Well wait.