An old cowboy, dressed in cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar, sat down, and ordered a drink. As he was sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, Are you a real cowboy?

To which he replied, Well, Ive spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences … so I guess I am.

After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, Ive never been on a ranch so Im not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV – everything seems to make me think of women.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, Are you a real cowboy?

To which he replied, I always thought I was, but I just found out that Im a lesbian.

A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, What are the grounds for your divorce?
She replied, About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.
No, he said, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It is made of concrete, brick and mortar, she responded.
I mean, he continued, What are your relations like?
I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husbands parents.
He said, Do you have a real grudge?
No, she replied, We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.
Please, he tried again, is there any infidelity in your marriage?
Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We dont necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes.
Maam, does your husband ever beat you up?
Yes, she responded, about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, Lady, why do you want a divorce?
Oh, I dont want a divorce, she replied. Ive never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he cant communicate with me.

A guy walks into a bar and just gets wasted smashed he cant even walk so the bar tender gets him a cab he goes home and comes back the next day to thank the bar tender the bar tender asks how did the night go and he says it sucked i blew chunks in every room of my house and the bar tender says that must of been a bitch to clean up and he says no dude chunks is my dog

Another blonde, another store. . .

She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk:

I need to buy some deodorant for my husband.

Does he use the ball kind? inquired the clerk.

No, replied the blonde, The kind for under his arms.

A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, How do I look?PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My
Spouse.The first naked man a woman sees is Ken.Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.Oh, nothing, has an entirely different
meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.All women are overweight by definition; dont agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but dont bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.If it is not Valentines Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, What did you do?Only women understand the reason for guest towels and the good china.All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in more trouble).Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they left the seat up instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.Women dont really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You dont see women trampli

Pongan cuidado a esta estadistica.

a) En Japón se consumen muy pocas grasas y el índice de ataques al corazón en ese país es menor que en Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

b) Por otro lado, en Francia se consumen bastantes grasas y aun así, el índice de ataques al corazón en ese país es menor al de Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

c) En la India apenas se bebe vino tinto y el índice de ataques al corazón en ese país es menor que en Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

d) En España se bebe demasiado vino tinto y el índice de ataques al corazón en este país es menor que en Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

f) En Argelia apenas se hace el amor y el índice de ataques al corazón en ese país es menor que en Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

g) En Brasil se hace mucho el amor y el índice de ataques al corazón en este país es menor que en Inglaterra y Estados Unidos.

CONCLUSIÓN: Beba, coma y haga el amor sin parar, lo que mata es hablar inglés.

Un fulano va en un carro por la ciudad y decide darle jalón (aventón, o ride) a un mengano.

Van los dos, cuando de repente al llegar a un semáforo que cambiaba de amarillo a rojo, el fulano le mete al acelerador y pasa a toda velocidad en el cruce de calles.

¡¿Pero estás loco!?, le dice el mengano. ¡Nos vamos a matar!.

Es que un amigo mío me enseñó este truco, le dice el fulano tranquilamente.

Y así vuelve a ocurrir lo mismo en los siguientes 5 semáforos. Por supuesto que el mengano iba con el corazón en la garganta. Hasta que por fin llegan a uno que les da luz verde.

Repentinamente, el fulano pega un frenazo intempestivo y brusco.

Bueno, ¿y bien? ¿No vas a pasar con luz verde como Dios manda?, le dice el mengano.

Y contesta el fulano: No, porque no vaya a ser que por ahí se vaya a atravesar mi amigo.

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.



Jake asked her, What are you up to?



Alice smiled. Im going hunting with you!



Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, If you see a deer, take careful aim and Ill come running back as soon as I hear the shot.



Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldnt bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.



Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: Get away from my deer!



Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: Get away from my deer! followed by another volley of gunfire!



Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!

Knock Knock



Whos There?





Ophelia





Ophelia Who?





Ophelia Heinie