Old and New Jokes

A swedish man was bored. He was bored with his work, bored with his life in

general. He felt as there was nothing waiting for him in this life…

…until one day, in the breakfast table, he was reading the morning paper,

when he saw an article, which would change his life. It said:

…Scientists had found out, that somewhere in Africa, one could still

find tribes of genuine cavemen, untouched by civilization. Only thing

needed was to find the correct cave and shout Wohoo!! and the tribe would

answer to this call.

This is it! the swede thought. This is what Ive been waiting for! Ill

sell everything I own, go to Africa, find these cavemen, and become rich

and famous!

And so he did. He sells everything, moves to Africa and starts looking for

the tribe. But cave after cave after cave, no answer. No cavemen.

Until one day, yet another cave, and another yell: Juhuuu!! And then he

heard it! WWOOOOUU WOOOOOO !!!!

Härregud! The Swede thought, A whole tribe! And just as he was starting

to run to the cave, he thought: Now wait a minute. These are cavemen. They

dont wear any clothes, and I might scare then off.

So he stripped his clothes off quickly, and started to run into the cave.

And the following day, he was in the headlines all over th world:

Naked Swede ran over by a train in Africa

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, Ive got news for you. Youre going straight to hell! The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, Good heavens, Im on the wrong bus!

Sir, I want your daughters hand in marriage. Do you have any objections?

None at all, boy. Take the hand thats always in my pocket.

Ok this idiot of the first order is invited for a game of golf for the first time, while in another country.

Hes totally enamoured with the golf ball because hes never seen anything like it before so he carries like, 30 of them back home to give away as souveniers.

While passing through the customs on his way back, the customs officer whos perhaps a bigger idiot than this guy, notices his pockets bulging with all these golf balls and cant figure it out. So he asks our man, What the hell is all this?!

To which he replies, Oh theyre just golf balls.

So the customs officer goes, Oh oh! You mean like tennis elbow?

1) A Guide to Arab Democracies
2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3) Amelia Earharts Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4) Career Opportunities for History Majors
5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6) Detroit – A Travel Guide
7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8) Dr. Kevorkians Collection of Motivational Speeches
9) Easy UNIX
10) Bulgarian Tips on World Dominance
11) Everything Men Know About Women
12) French Hospitality
13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
15) Mike Tysons Guide to Dating Etiquette
17) Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
18) Popular Lawyers
19) Staple Your Way to Success
20) The Amish Phone Book

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest says, Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand. The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, Try saying things like, I see, yes, go on, I understand, and how did you feel about that? The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, Now, dont you think thats a little better than saying, Whoa… What happened next?

Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
A: Handcuffs.

Q: Why did the Real Man sit in the dark?
A: He couldnt find a new light bulb and was too embrassed to ask.

Conversation between Room Service and guest in Asian Hotel. Read Aloud for maximum entertainment

Room Service: Morny. Ruin sorbees.
Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.
RS: Rye . . . Ruin sorbees . . . morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??
G: Uh . . . yes . . . Id like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow July den?
G: What??
RS: Ow July den? . . . pry, boy, pooch?
G : Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS: Ow July dee bayhcem . . . crease?
G: Crisp will be fine.
RS : Hokay. An San tos?
G: What?
RS: San tos. July San tos?
G: I dont think so.
RS: No? Judo one toes??
G: I feel really bad about this, but I dont know what
judo one toes means.
RS: Toes! toes! . . . why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish
mopping we bother?
G: English muffin!! Ive got it! You were saying Toast.
Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
G: No . . . just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter . . . just put it on the side.
RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?
RS: Copy . . . tea . . . mill?
G: Yes. Coffee please, and thats all.
RS: One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and
copy . . . rye??
G: Whatever you say.
RS: Tendjewberrymud.
G : Youre welcome.

One time a brunette got hit with an apple and cried and then a red head got hit with a pumpkin and cried and then a blonde didnt know there was a bomb in her house so she farted and the house blew up and then she laughed… ha ha ha…

oh ya just becuz i am a blonde dont meen i cant make fun of them.