Old and New Jokes

My wife naively believes that Its your turn in the barrel is just as acceptable as What goes around comes around.

In days of old, this young sailor was about to sign up for a 6-month trip on a sailing ship. He asked the captain about sex life, since there would be no women on the ship.

Don ye worry about it, lad. Well make sure your needs are taken care of.

After about 2 weeks at sea, the lad had a bone that wouldnt go away, so he went to ask the captain how to take care of it.

Aye, lad, eres ya key. Go open up the door under the ladder. In there youll find a barrel, take the bung out of the hole and insert your manhood. I think youll find this arrangement satisfactory.

The lad went down, opened the door, removed the bung, inserted his prick and got his rocks off in record time. In fact, it was SO good he asked for the key the next five nights in a row.

On the sixth night, the captain said, Not tonight, laddie; its your turn in the barrel.

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, If you dont be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again! It worked.

I wrote this letter many years ago:

Pennsylvania State University Admissions
Address

Dear Sir,

I have received your acceptance for admission, and I regret
to inform you that I will not be attending your university in
coming years.

As a senior in high school, I have applied to many other fine
institutions to further my education. And, although yours
ranks high among them, Im afraid that you failed to qualify.

Elimination under my system doesnt mean that you are not
qualified to educate other fine young men and women. It
merely reflects the high caliber of colleges and universities
competing for my acceptance.

My best wishes for your future.

Sincerely,

Brian Jay Gould

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I dont trust President Clinton or her husband.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 5, one to do it and 4 to say that they liked it but would have done it a bit differently.

Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, provided theres a programmer around to explain how to do it.

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are riding in an elevator. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, That looks like a cum stain!

The brunette leans over and smells the stain. Smells like a cum stain too!

The blonde leans over and licks the spot on the elevator wall, then says, Yep, but its nobody from this building.

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, “Where do you work?”
The man said, “Here and there.”
The judge asked the man, “What do you do for a living?”
The man said, “This and that.”
The judge then said, “Take him away.”
The man said, “Wait, judge when will I get out?”
The judge said to the man, “Sooner or later.”

* Silicon-enhanced chests and lips reveal that humans are not only "as innovative as they are cruel," but pretty vain as well.* Wahlbergs neglect in removing his shirt through the entire film reveals his kinship with the teen demographic: BACKNE SUFFERERS.* Fox Marketing Department determined that the ideal garment for a young apes human pet is a peach-colored dress.* All inflamed baboon buttocks in the film were edited out.* Most extras were actually disgruntled gorillas out of work since the movie "Congo." * Kris Kristoffersons surly acting style is a result of the neverending pain of "Millenium"s failure at the box office. * The imagery of the Ape armys red tents taken straight from biblical writings dealing with how women were separated from the tribe during their periods. (Charlton Hestons idea.)* Helena Bonham Carters clothing came under-budget through some seamstress creativity and Rue McClanahans wardrobe. Her wildly trendy haircut however, accounted for %15 of the films budget.* According to ape acting union, the "Ape" Lincoln Memorial had to be scrubbed down with monkey feces in order to get rid of foul human odor. Submitted by: David J. Bleecker
E-mail: DBLEEKER@nyc.rr.com