Grandmother and granddaughter were in the bank when three bank robbers walked in and held it up.

All the ladies down on the floor, one handsome robber commanded.

My grandmother too? the little girl asked. Yes, your grandmother too!

All the ladies on the floor, pull up your dresses.

My grandmother too? Yes, your grandmother too! All ladies will now remove their panties.

Surely you dont mean my grandmother too? asked the little girl.

Becoming angry, the handsome robber shouted, YES, YOUR GRANDMOTHER TOO! Now, all the ladies on the floor are to spread their legs apart.

When the little girl started to ask if her grandmother was included, her grandmother snarled, YOU HEARD WHAT THE MAN SAID!

A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts. Say, Whats your name, mister? she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck. Its Snow—-Roy Snow, he answered, and whats yours? Me, Im June—-June Hansen, she said. After a short while she asked, Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances? Can you imagine what it might be like, he replied, …having eight inches of Snow in June?

Reasons Women Should Not Have Freedom of Speech…

1. She doesnt need to talk to get me a beer.

2. If shes in the kitchen like she should be, no one can hear her anyway.

3. If she can talk, all shell do is complain.

4. Because she wont say I will instead of I do.

5. No man wants to hear first down during a basketball game.

6. Because PMS is no excuse for whining.

7. No man needs or wants to hear the word period unless it has to do with hockey.

8. Women created tampon and yeast infection commercials during football.

9. Affirmative action.

10. When men whistle at them in the street, they should just shut up and obey.

11. If my dicks in her mouth, she cant talk anyway.

12. Oprah.

13. Feminists.

14. Because that stupid look on her face should not be accompanied by an equally stupid statement.

15. The 2nd and 19th amendments.

16. I dont want to be made to lie and say I love you after sex.

17. Highway fatalities would decrease by over 90%.

18. When I sneak out at four in the morning, I dont want to hear anybody calling me back.

19. No, I will NOT buy you tampons while Im at the store

20. This is my dick. Im gonna fuck you. No more stupid questions.

21. Dont waste your breath, I wont respect you in the morning.

22. Women sportscasters.

23. Women congressman.

24. God forbid, a woman president. (Oops, my bad — see #66)

25. Marge Schott.

26. Stupid says as stupid does (and is).. Dikes (unless I can jump in the middle).

28. Where does speaking come into barefoot and pregnant?

29. Yes that toilet seat was yellow in the first place.

30. TLC and Salt-N-Pepa.

31. I could give a shit if youre pregnant.

32. I dont care if youre in labor. For the love of god, let me sleep.

33. They were the reason for the 18th ammendment.

34. The life expectancy of the average male goes down with every bitchy word.

35. Female drunks are annoying unless they put out (for which they don’t need to talk)

36. Were tired of their We cant pee standing up shit.

37. That damn apple.

38. If she cant speak, she cant cry rape.

39. Of course, if she cant speak, she cant say no.

40. Rosanne. Nuff said.

41. Suzanne Powter. Too much said.

42. Honestly, do they really have anything useful to say?

43. Only one set of lips should be moving at a time.

44. If she cant talk, she cant bitch when I forget important dates.

45. There are no speaking parts in pornos anyway.

46. When she talks shes not drinking, its hard to get her drunk when she talking.

47. Nothing should come out a womans mouth, SWALLOW BITCH!

48. The Mute button only works on the TV.

49. Whores get paid by the hour not by the word.

50. Helen Keller was the ultimate woman.

51. Equality is for math.

52. The credit card bill speaks for itself.

53. If it hurts, I dont wanna hear it.

54. Marcia Clark.

55. Chick-flicks.

56. You dont see Victorias Secret models talking, do you?

57. Janet, Mariah, and Whitney.

58. Michael Jackson.

59. Silence and sex make a great combination.

60. N. O. W. ? NO. NOW BITCH? YES.

61. Intelligent car conversation? Hell no. Her head should never be above the dashboard.

62. That annoying fat bitch from Snapple.

63. Your mouth is useful in so many other ways.

64. High phone bills really suck.

65. Women should be seen and not heard.

66. Do you think it was BILL Clinton who fucked up the country?

67. If I want romance, Ill turn on Playboy (hopefully not her).

68. Because theyre not men.

69. 69, finally a use for both lips at the same time.

70. If I wanted your opinion, Id ask for it.

71. Hell, if I wanted your opinion, Id give it to you.

72. Whereve you been? Who the fuck are you, my mother?

73. Women on radio? You cant see them, do you really want to hear

them?

74. Unless the words are Doctor, can you make these bigger?, shut the fuck up.

75. Big breasts should speak for themselves.

Two Polish guys were taking their first trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas, which theyd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, I wouldnt eat that if I were you.

Why not? I took one bite and went blind for half a minute!

——————— There were three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer , and a Vancouver guy. They came across a lantern and a genie popped out.

I will give you each one wish; thats three wishes in total! The Newfie said, I am a fisherman, my dads a fisherman, and his dad was a fisherman, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish. Poof! The oceans were full of fish.

The Quebecer was amazed! He said, I want a wall around Quebec, so nothing will get in! Poof! There was a wall around Quebec.

The Vancouver guy said, Tell me more about this wall. The genie said, Well its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out.

So, the Vancouver guy said, Fill it up with water!

——————— Did You hear about the Redneck who… Spent four days in Sears looking for a miscarriage. Took his expectant wife for the grocery store because they had free delivery. Took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game. Put iodine on his pay check because he got a cut in pay. Was so lazy, he married a pregnant woman. Was feeling so low, he got his face slapped. Lost his girlfriend because he couldnt remember where he laid her. Thought asphalt was rectal trouble. Thought his typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period. Bought a union suit because his wife was having labor pains. Thought Peter Pan was something to put under the bed. Thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean shot glass. Smelled good only on the right side, he didnt know where to buy Left Guard. Studied for five days to take a urine test. Thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease. Went to the outhouse, put one leg in each hole, then crapped his pants.

——————— Proof Positive that Jesus was Jewish:

1. His Bar Mitzvah was catered.

2. He lived at home until he was

30.

3. He swore his mother was a virgin.

4. And his Mother thought he was God.

——————— Q: Why do Italians not like Jehovah Witness?

A: They dont like ANY Witnesses!

Wilfred had just learned his abcs and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began."ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ.""Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Wheres the P?"Its running down my leg."

Q) What do you do if an Irishman throws a grenade at you ?

A) Take the pin out and throw it back at him.

Q) What if he removes the pin from the grenade.

A) Run before he throws the pin at you.

Q) How do you burn an Irishmans face?

A) Ring him up while he is ironing his clothes? (Hello!)

Brad, these jokes are in good humor, and should not be interpreted to
be in bad taste against the Irish.

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddams chair.



They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.



Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.



But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, hes finally had enough, knowing that he cant do much without them functioning well.

Im going back home! he tells the Iraqi. Well finish these talks in two weeks!



A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clintons chair and prepares himself for the Yanks revenge.



They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.



Forget this, says Saddam. Im going back to Baghdad!

Clinton says through tears of laughter, What Baghdad?

There was a loser who couldnt get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.

The guy said, Its simple. I just say, Im a lawyer.

So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, Oh! Youre a lawyer?

He said, Why yes I am!

She liked the idea and they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, he started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, Well, Ive only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and Im already screwing someone!

Heres one from the Emergency nurses association:

Be an organ donor … Unbuckle!

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, Id like 99 condoms please.

With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, 99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!

To which the guy replies, Make it

100.