This young woman brought her child into Childrens Hospital
for a routine check-up. On the records, the nurse saw that
the childs first name was Urine (pronounced Urin-ie). Not
wanting to be rude, but wanting to know why this woman would
name her child this, the nurse asked her how Urine got her name.

The woman explained, Well, my baby was born premature and had
to stay in the special nursery. She was real sick and they
didnt know if she would make it. I couldnt decide what to
name her, but the nurses said they would pray for her. One
day I came in and there was this paper on her incubator that
said Please save Urine, so I knew that they had named my baby.

You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
You have to believe that the same teacher who cant teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat, than U.S. nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists.
You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earths climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
You have to believe that hunters dont care about nature, but loony activists whove never been outside of Seattle do.
You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinmen are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides arent.
You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasnt worked anywhere its been tried, is because the right people havent been in charge.
You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.
You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
You have to believe that illegal Democratic party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

A: No blondes.

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do you get the Keep off the Grass sign on the grass?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you know when youve run out of invisible ink?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham-hock?

If a turtle lost his shell, is he homeless or naked?

If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why dont deaf people wear earmuffs?

If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from?

If I save time, when do I get it back?

If rabbits feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?

If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?

In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth…

He was then faced with a class action lawsuit for failing to file an
environmental impact statement from HEPA (Heavenly Environmental
Protection Agency), an angelically staffed agency dedicated to keeping
the universe pollution free.

God was granted a temporary permit for the heavenly portion of the
project, but was issued a cease and desist order on the Earthly
portion of the project, pending further investigation by HEPA. Upon
completion of His construction permit and environmental impact
statement, God appeared before HEPA council to answer some questions.
When asked why He began these projects in the first place, He simply
replied that He liked to be creative. This was not considered an
adequate reason and He was required to substantiate this further.

HEPA was unable to see any practical use for Earth anyway, since The
Earth was void and empty and darkness was on the face of the deep.

Then God said, Let there be Light.

He should never have brought up this point, since one member of the
Council was active in the Sierrangel Club and immediately protested,
asking how the Light was to be made. Would there be strip mining? Air
Pollution? God explained that the Light would come from a huge ball of
fire.

Nobody on the council really understood this, but it was provisionally
accepted, assuming 1) that there would be no smog or smoke resulting
from the burning; 2) a separate burning permit would be required; and
3) since continuous light would be a waste of energy, it should be
dark half of the time. So God agreed to divide the Light and the
Darkness and He would call the Light Day and the Darkness Night. (The
Council expressed no interest in in-house semantics.)

When asked how the Earth would be covered, God said, Let there be
firmament made amidst the waters; and let it divide the waters from
the waters.

One ecologically radical Council member accused Him of double talk,
but the Council tabled action since God would have to first file for a
permit from the ABLM (Angelic Bureau of Land Management) and further
would be required to obtain water permits from the appropriate
agencies involved.

The council asked if there would only be water and firmament, and God
said, Let the Earth bring forth the green herb, and such as may seed,
and the fruit tree yielding after its own kind, which may have seen
itself upon the Earth. The Council agreed as long as native seed
would be used.

About future development God also said, Let the waters bring forth
the creeping creature having life, and the fowl that may fly over the
Earth. Here again, the Council took no formal action since this would
require approval of the Fish and Game Commission coordinated with the
Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobonangelic Society.

It then appeared the everything was in order until God stated that He
wanted to complete the project in six days. At this time He was
advised by the Council that his timing was completely out of the
question… HEPA would require a minimum of 180 days to review the
application and environmental impact statement, and then there would
be public hearings. It would take 10 to 12 months before a permit
would be granted.

God said, To Hell with it!

…and she aproaches a salesman and states I would like to buy that fine TV right there. He looks at her and says Im sorry miss, but I dont sell my equipment to blondes. Offended, she leaves, purchases a red wig and returns. She appraoches him again and repeats her initial question. He repeats himself Im sorry miss, but I do not sell my equiment to blondes! So she leaves all in a rut and completely confused. She concludes that he must have seen her blonde hair under her wig, so she dyes it brown. She goes back and says Sir, I would like to purchase that TV over there, he replies listen miss, I DONT sell my equipment to blondes! totally pissed off she asks how do you know im a blonde? He replies, Becasue thats a microwave!

In an effort to snag more long distance telephone calls (charged to a credit
card or a third number), AT&T reserved the toll-free number 1-800-OPERATOR.
Not to be outdone, and perhaps knowing the public better, MCI reserved the
number 1-800-OPERATER and has been scooping up calls intended for its
arch-rival.

Q: How are a vending machine and Monica Lewinsky alike?

A: Insert Bill here.

Q: Whats the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: No fee–If No Recovery!

What does a blonde do when her computer freezes?

She sticks it in the microwave!