No matter how hard you try, you cant baptize a cat.

Retiring from a big corporate job in LA, Marvin moves to Tel Aviv. (So nu, you were thinking maybe hed move to a kibbutz?)

Wanting to contribute to nation-building somehow he focuses on stock-trading, the only vocation he knows. But, to commute to his new humble penthouse office, he refuses to drive a Mercedes like everyone else so he buys himself … a camel.

Every night Marvin parks his camel in the garage under his Tel Aviv Condo and the next morning he mounts the camel for the commute to his new office in Ramat Gan.

One day Marvin comes down to the parking garage and the camel is gone … stolen!

He calls the police who arrive within minutes. The first question is What color was your camel?

Marvin replies he doesnt remember, Probably camel colored I guess … sort of brownish-greyish.

And how many humps on your camel? asks the policeman.

Who counts humps … one, maybe two, I dont know for sure.

And the height of the camel, sir?

Whats with these dumb questions? Marvin asks. The camel was about three feet taller than I am. So maybe 9 feet, 10 feet. I cant be certain.

Just one last question to complete my report, sir. Was the camel male or female?

Ah, that I know for sure he was a male.

How can you be so certain of his sex when you dont remember anything else about your camel asks the policeman.

Well, says Marvin, everyone knows hes a male. Every day Id ride the camel to work through the streets of Tel Aviv and people would stop and say to each other … Look at the schmuck on that camel!

A man would no longer be considered a good catch simply
because he is breathing. Medical research would be spent on developing new birth
control methods for men. Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams. Baby-sitting, doing dishes and making beds would be
considered Macho. The hem of mens pants would go up or down depending
on the economy. Minnie Mouse would get equal billing with Mickey. Fewer women would be dating because the ideal weight
standard would increase by 40 pounds. Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles. PMS would be a legitimate defense in court. Men would come with papers showing their true identity,
marital and employment status, if they live with their
mother, and whether they have had their shots. Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity. Men would get reputations for sleeping around. Ms. Magazine would have a annual swimsuit issue featuring
scantily clad male models. Men who designed womens shoes would be forced to wear them. Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within
two hours of bedtime. Men would be as attentive AFTER marriage as they were before. Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice
as hard for none of the credit. Little girls would read Snow White and the Seven Hunks. Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make. Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap
operas. Men would HAVE to get playboy for the articles, because there
would be no pictures. Men would learn phrases like: Im sorry, I love you. Youre
beautiful. Of course you dont look fat in that outfit, Go
to sleep – Ill take care of the baby, etc. Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their
accomplishments. Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking. All toilet seats would be nailed down. Men would work on relationships as m

-What did the hurricane say to the coconut?

-Hold on to your nuts, its going to be a hell of a blow job!

Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!

Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise

Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin

IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There he is greeted by George Washington.

How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive! yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: You wanted to end the Americans liberty, so they gave you death! Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense! He drops a large weight on Osamas knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, This is not what I was promised!

An angel replies: I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?

Van en el coche papá cruel, mamá cruel y los dos hijos crueles…

De pronto los niños gritan: Más rápido papá, más rápido… y el papá cruel acelera… 120 km por hora…

Los niños siguen… Más rápido pápá, más rápido… y llegan a 140.

De pronto a la mamá le da calor y saca la cabeza por la ventanilla, justo cuando pasaban muy cerca de un árbol y ¡ZAZ! la mamá cruel es decapitada. Tanto el papá como los hijos comienzan a llorar…

Después de unos minutos el papá les pregunta a sus hijos:¿Y ustedes por que lloran?

A lo que los hijos contestan, ¡Por que no vimos!

Era un niño tan feo, pero tan feo, que cuando nació la mamá le preguntó al médico:

Doctor, ¿qué fue? ¡Dígame que fue!

No sé señora, ¡pero si se mueve lo mato!