Old and New Jokes

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
–Lorenzs Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts arent.
–Beachs Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
–Anthonys Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
— Tussmans Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
–Lowerys Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem.
–Peers Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
–Williams Law

Machines should work. People should think.
–IBMs Pollyanna Principle

The most ineffective workers shall be moved systematically to the place where they can do the least damage.
–The Dilbert Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
–Ehrlichs Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
–Ralphs Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
— Cannons Comment

The newer the carpet the greater the likelihood that the bread will land jelly side down.
— Law of inevitable consequences.

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together.

They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were
about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed into each of
their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over
the beer and then started yelling Spit it out, spit it out, you
bastard!

A man walks into his doctors office muttering to himself. The other patients look at him strangely but the man does not acknowledge them. He keeps muttering.When he walks into the doctors office, he explains whats wrong.I cant concentrate, doctor. All I keep thinking about is wigwams and teepees.He starts muttering to himself, Wigwam, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam, teepee.The doctor slides his chair up to him and tells the man whats wrong.I think I figured it out. Youre two tents.(tense/tents)

Q: What happens when a Polak doesnt pay his garbage bill?

A: They stop delivering.

These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, Well have to come back here tomorrow!

The other asks, But how will we remember where this spot is?

The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, Well just look for this X tomorrow.

The other guy says, You idiot! How do you know well get the same boat?

Sir Winston Churchill was giving a speech in the House of Commons and someone nearby noticed that there was a handwritten comment in the margin of his notes: Weak argument – talk loudly

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.The priest says, Oh no, was it with Marie Brown?. Joe says, Id rather not say who it was with. The priest says, Was it with Betty Smith? Joe says, Id rather not say, So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joes friend asks if he received absolution.Joe says, Yes, and two very good leads!

What time do Jews tend to go to bed?

—– When the electricity is too expensive.

Medical science has determined that attitude influences susceptibility to disease, especially infection by bacterial agents.

People who, by their nature, are cheerful and upbeat are less prone to illness than are those who are consistently grumpy malcontents.

Thus, the surly bird gets the germ.

Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother,she said, Why dont you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something.

Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned.

Martin replied – Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesnt fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up.

Martins mother said, Wait until your father gets home.

When Martins father got home, Martins mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, Martin, go outside and get me a switch.

Martin replied, Get fucked. Thats the electricians job.