Old and New Jokes

A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.

His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem. The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.

It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of … dye a rhea.

Q: What do blondes say after sex?

A1: Thanks, Guys!
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the same team?
A4: Who were all those guys?

Because in a public school, the secret service would be out gunned.

A distinguished-looking man entered a Geneva bank and inquired
about taking out a loan for 1000 Swiss francs.

What security can you offer? the banker asked.

My Rolls-Royce is parked out front, he said. I will be away
for a few weeks. Here are the keys.

A month later, the man returned to the bank and paid off the loan,
1017 francs with interest.

Pardon me for asking, the banker said, but why a one-thousand
franc loan for a man of your obvious means?

Very simple, he replied. Where else can you store a Rolls for
a month for seventeen francs?

A man is running along and falls off a cliff – I dont know why he falls
off a cliff, he just does, OK?

As hes falling he manages to grab onto a tree about 15 feet down,
growing out from the side of the cliff. Now hes hanging there and he
looks down and sees this 200 feet drop below him, but he knows hes
only 15 feet from the top of cliff. Looking up he cries out for help,
Is there anybody up there?

Much to his surprise he is heard. A voice replies which can only be
that of the lord (the reverb has been turned up and theres too much
bass), Let… go…

The man looks down at the 200 feet drop, and then looking up once
more, cries out, Is there anybody else up there?

This blond in her new red corvette convertable pulled out in front of this 18 wheeler. The driver was furious and he told her to pull over. When she did he asked her why she pulled out in front of him and she didnt reply so he went to his truck pulled out a can of spray paint and made a circle. He said for her to stay in the circle and not step one foot out of it. He then went back to his truck and got a bat and started to trash her car. He turned and say her laughin. This just then made hijm even more furious and he hit the car more rapidly. He saw she kept laughing and just mutilated her car. Well he turned and asked her what was so funny and she said:

I stepped outta the circle 3 times when you werent looking!

Theres a clock on the stove.

How do you get a twinkle in a Blondes eye?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

The setting is a quiet and serene country stream weaving through the gentle hills of a grassy plain. All is quiet and still, and, lo, a small fly hovers a few inches above the quiet waters of the stream.

Beneath the water floats a small fish. The fish thinks to itself, if that fly just drops two inches, I will be able to jump out of the water and catch it.

Now, standing on the bank of the stream lurks a bear. The bear looks at the scene and thinks to itself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will jump out of the water to catch it, and I will be able to dash into the stream and snap up the fish in my mouth.

Crouching nearby the stream, in the tall grass, waits a hunter. The hunter looks at the scene and thinks to himself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will spring out of the water to catch it, then bear will dash out into the river, and Ill get a clear shot at the bear.

Sitting at the entrance to its hole, is a small field mouse. Looking at the scene, the mouse thinks to itself, if that fly just drops two inches, then fish will leap out of the water, the bear will rush out at the fish, the hunter will take a shot at the bear, and Ill have just enough time to run out and grab the cheese in the hunters sack.

Lazing in a tree which overhangs the river, is a cat. The cat looks down at the scene, and thinks to itself, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump up to catch it, and the bear will come out to catch the fish, the hunter will take a shot at the bear, and the mouse will run to get the cheese . . . then Ill be able to pounce down onto the mouse as it leaves its hole.

Suddenly, the fly drops two inches . . .

Immediately everyone is thrown into wild furious action. The fish leaps out of the water, and snaps the fly in its mouth. The bear lunges into the stream and catches the fish in its mouth. The hunter bursts out of his grassy cover and fires at the bear. The mouse forgets totally about the cheese, and the cat gets such a fright it overbalances and falls into the stream . . .

Whats the moral of the story?

If a fly drops two inches, a pussy gets wet!

Im hungry = Im hugnry
 

 
Im sleepy = Im sleepy
 

 
Im tired = Im tired
 

 
Do you want to go to a movie? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.
 

 
Can I take you out to dinner? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.
 

 
Can I call you sometime? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.
 

 
May I have this dance? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.
 

 
Nice Dress! = Nice Body!
 

 
You look tense; let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.
 

 
Whats wrong? = dont see why you are making such a big deal of this.
 

 
Whats wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted trauma are you going through now?
 

 
Whats wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
 

 
Im bored = Do you want to have sex?
 

 
I love you = Lets have sex now
 

 
I love you, too = Okay, I said it . . . wed better have sex now!
 

 
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
 

 
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = Fifty bucks and it doesnt even look different!
 

 
Lets talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then youd like to have sex with me.
 

 
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
 

 
(while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!