Q: Whats more profitable: a one-story whorehouse or a two-story whorehouse?

A: A one-story whore house because theres no fuckin overhead.

Whats the difference between men and women?

Men are crabby all month long.

On the third day, Jesus rose, shoved open the door of his tomb, and
walked again on earth.

As he was leaving, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left
open.

Whats the matter with you? he said. Born in a barn?

— Robert

A Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question:
Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a
program ?
UNIX consul: Yes, thats correct.
Customer: No, what is it ?
UNIX consul: Yes.
Customer: So, which is the one ?
UNIX consul: No. which is used to find the program.
Customer: Stop this. Who are you ?
UNIX consul: Use who am i not who r yoo. You can also finger yoo to
get information about yoo.
Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code ?
UNIX consul: Use what.
Customer: Thats what I am trying to find out. Isnt that true ?
UNIX consul: No. true gives you 0.
Customer: Which one ?
UNIX consul: true gives you 0. which programname
Customer: Lets get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?
UNIX consul: Type find / -name it -print to find it. Type what program
to get the revision code.
Customer: I want to find the revision code.
UNIX consul: You cant find revisioncode, you must use what program.
Customer: Which command will do what I need?
UNIX consul: No. which command will find command.
Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.
UNIX consul: You can write that only if that is a user on your system.
Customer: Write what?
UNIX consul: No. write that. what program.
Customer: Cut that out!
UNIX consul: Yes. those are valid files for cut. Dont forget the options.
Customer: Do you always do this ?
UNIX consul: du will give you disk usage.
Customer: HELP!
UNIX consul: help is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).
Customer: You make me angry.
UNIX consul: No, I dont make me angry but I did make programname when
I was upset once.
Customer: I dont want to make trouble, so no more.
UNIX consul: No more? which will help you find more. Every system
has more.
Customer: Nice help! Im confused more now!
UNIX consul: Understand that since help is such a small program, it is
better not to nice help. and more now is not allowed but
at now is. Unless of course now is a file name.
Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.
UNIX consul: I didnt know you needed help with pc. Let me get you to the
Pascal compiler team.

I just read in UPI that an audit commission has found that it actually takes six (British) National Health Service employees to change a hospital lightbulb!

Its true! The Daily Mail reported that its a sick joke of a process for each lightbulb requires 17 separate administrative procedures, from ordering bulbs to a worker reporting a burnt-out lamp to the recording of the fact that a new bulb is in place and working.

The audit commission was looking into ways of reducing NHS costs by reducing time wasted by employees on administrative nonsense, so that more of the limited supply of pounds could be used for actual patient care.

When
you rearrange the letters you get:
GEORGE BUSH : : HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY : : DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST : : EVILS AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN : : BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION : : A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE : : HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES : : CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY : : IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW : : WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS : : ALAS! NO MORE ZS
A DECIMAL POINT : : I M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES : : THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO : : TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the! Grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE
USA : : TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

A highway patrolman stopped a blonde who had been driving at a high rate of speed. He told her that she had been driving 90 miles an hour.

She exclaimed, Why officer, thats impossible! I only left my house about thirty minutes ago!

The professors of mathematics and physics were staring away at the flag pole in front of the front of the college building. The professor of English walking by asked, What seems to be the problem?We, said the professor of mathematics, were wondering how to measure the height of this flag pole.The professor of English quickly unscrewed the pole from its moorings, laid it on the ground, whipped out a measuring tape, measured it, and said, It is exactly 20 feet long, and walked away smoking his pipe.Looking at the English professors receding back, the professor of physics remarked, Smart ass. We wanted to know the height, and he tells us the length!

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt. A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change, and she does.