At least now, Mr. Clinton, we understand why mattresses are discounted

every Presidents Day.

Two college students, Jim and Johnny, are visiting Fort Lauderdale at spring break. Jim notices the other with females hanging on his every word hugging and carressing him, and he is puzzled.

That night as they bed down under the dock, he says, Hey, what is it with you, anyway? You got women all over you!

The other whispers, Ill tell you my secret. Slip a potato into your pants. They cannot resist you.

So the next day, Jim appears suitable adorned, and again has no luck. That night, he accosts Johnny.

Hey man, I did what you said. I put in the potato and they still wont come near me!

Well, maybe theres something wrong. Let me take a look… Oh, No! Man, the potato goes in the front, man, in the front.

Over the weekend, Steve bought a new car. He was so excited about it that he had to take a picture of it to bring to work with him to show everyone. The picture was a Polaroid snapshot of his wife sitting in one of the front seats.

Steve crowed as he showed the picture to co-worker Jim, Its got power steering, anti-lock brakes, cruise control and a drivers side air bag.

Jim squinted at the picture. Having never seen Steves wife before, he asked, Whos that?

Oh, said Steve with a grin, another feature, my passenger-side wind bag!

• You get a threatening note made up of letters neatly cut out of a magazine with pinking shears;

• You find a slice of lemon floating in your dogs dish;

• Every napkin in your house has been folded into the shape of a swan;

• On her TV show she makes a replica of your home out of gingerbread, including your fallen-down licorice downspout and stuck-half-open, graham-cracker, garage door;

• You find your pet bunny simmering on the stove in an exquisitie, tarragon, rose-petal and saffron demi-glace.

(This wasnt written by me or about me. But it might as well have been.)

There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft. Not you again, I said.

Sorry, he said, a little sheepishly. I guess you know why Im here.

Indeed I did. Microsofts $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadnt. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldnt take no for an answer.

No, I said.

You know I cant take that, he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. Come on. Just one copy. Thats all we ask.

Not interested, I said. Look, isnt there someone else you can go bother for a while? Theres got to be someone else on the planet who doesnt have a copy.

Well, no, the Microsoft man said. Youre the only one.

You cant be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer, I said. And certainly, not everyone has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear thats just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no USE for Windows 95.

The Microsoft man look perplexed. Im missing your point, he said.

Use! I screamed. Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you cant USE it?

Well, I dont know anything about this use thing youre going on about, the Microsoft man said. All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy.

People without computers?

Got em.

Amazonian Indians?

We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes.

The Amish?

Check.

Oh, come on, I said. They dont even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?

We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box, the Microsoft man admitted. We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft. He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. But thats not the point! he said. The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you.

So what? I said. If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?

If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely.

No.

Oh, back to that again, the Microsoft man said. Hey. Ill tell you what. Ill GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer. He waved the box in front of me.

No, I said again. No offense, pal, but I dont NEED it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, its a computer operating system. Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something.

It did.

Pardon?

World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple.

So what happened?

Well, you know, he said. It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldnt figure out how to make a profit off of world peace.

Go away, I said.

I cant, he said. Ill be killed if I fail.

You have got to be kidding, I said.

Look, the Microsoft man said, We sold this to the Amish. The Amish! Right now, theyre opening the boxes and figuring out theyve been had. Well be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, its embarassing. Its embarassing to the company. Its embarassing to the product. Its embarassing to Bill.

Bill Gates does not care about me, I said.

Hes watching right now, the Microsoft man said. Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. Its also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, Im a pile of grey ash.

He wouldnt do that, I said. He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident.

Oh, Bills gotten pretty good with that laser, the Microsoft man said nervously. Okay. I wasnt supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, well give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?

Terrible. Theres an active volcano there.

Its only a small one, the Microsoft man said.

Look, I said, even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? Youd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?

The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.

Windows 95… For Pets?!?!?

Theres a LOT of domestic animals out there, he said.

I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.

A colleague, called Terry, told me this in the pub some time ago

He was asked by his neighbours to look after their flat whilst they were away for a four week cruise. They gave him a spare set of keys and their alarm system number and asked him to feed their tropical fish, kept in a large aquarium, and their cat. There was plenty of fish food and a whole cupboard full of Kit-e-Kat so all he needed to do was pop round once a day and feed the cat and the fish.

He did this regularly for the first week, but eventually he started staying in the pub late and having one drink too many and so completely forgot to check the flat out.

Finally, he got a phone call from his neighbour who said that their liner was due to dock at Southampton the next day and they would be back the day after and, by the way, how are the fish and the cat?

Lying blindly, he said that they were all fine, no problem at all and then rushed round to their flat as soon as he had hung up the phone.

As soon as he opened the door, he could smell something pretty unpleasant and to his horror, he saw that the cat was floating in the fish tank, stiff as a board and that all the fish had died because the carcass had infected the water!

He put the cat in a plastic bag and dumped it in a skip outside, cleaned up the fish tank as much as possible, aired the flat to get rid of the stench and then waited for his neighbours to get back…

When they got back they called him round and asked where the cat was and how come the fish were all dead.

He just said Oh the cat must have got out somehow, maybe its wandering round outside. Th fish? They were fine yesterday, was it some disease?

The wife then opened the cupboard where the cat food was kept and saw about three weeks supply of unopened tins …

What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?

A good start!

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?
A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.

Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.

Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.

Happy: Paid too much.

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying.