Two old acquaintances from WWI bump into each other one day and head for bar to catch up on old times. The conversation moves from family to retirement to golf, and settles on sex. So, hows your sex life been, Roy? asks Tom. Roy replies, OK, I guess, though I havent gotten any since 1955. Man! Thats a long time! How can you stand that? Oh, its not that bad. Roy looks at his watch. Its only 20:30 now.

I saw a notice on a bulletin board in Church one day. It read:

All girls who want to be Alter boys please see the Minister – Dr. Smith after last Mass today

You might be a redneck if…
You think mud rasslin should be an Olympic sport.

Q: Why do reindeer have red noses?

A: They are not equipped with ABS and thus tend to bump into things on slippery surfaces. This is why Santa is often seen with a red nose (the sleigh doesnt have an airbag, either).

Q: Why does Santa use Elves?

A: There is no trade union for Elves. Theyre easy to exploit.

Q: Is there really a Mrs. Claus?

A: Highly unlikely. Since Santa is surrounded by male figures (Elves, reindeer named Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen etc.) his sexual preference seems to tend towards homosexuality. He is said to have some problems finding a gerontophile/zoophile Elf for a threesome with a reindeer, though.

Q: Does Santa really live on the North Pole?

A: Uncertain. However, rumor has it that the story of Santa and the North Pole has nothing to do with the Arctic, but that Santa is known to frequently ask the Elves and reindeer if he can shove his pole up north. Obviously, this is related to the cryptic description up where the sun dont shine, which applies to both the North Pole and assholes in general.

Q: Does Santa really work all year round making toys?

A: Get real! Check the box in which the Christmas gift came! Does it say Made on the North Pole? (Made in China, more likely)

Q: Then what does he DO all year?

A: Uncertain. Chasing Elves and reindeer, most likely. Maybe he spends his winters in Florida.

Q: Is the story about the little angel and the Christmas tree true?

A: Without a doubt. Santa has a temper and can develop a nasty attitude (he doesnt take stress too well).

Q: If so, why do the little angels on Christmas trees look happy (given the fact they have a tree up theirs)?

A: Little angels are known to be kinky.

Q: Do the polar bears on the North Pole cause Santa any trouble?

A: Not since Santa equipped the guard Elves with M-61 submachine guns.

Q: So Santa is basically a gun-crazy, homosexual, angry old man who exploits little Elves, fools around all day, and drives around in a sleigh that lacks basic security measures?

A: You forgot about the bestiality thing.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain

cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

Thats why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Rabbi, the man said, Please explain the Talmud to me.

Very well, he said. First, I will ask you a question. If two men climb


up a chimney and one comes out dirty, and one comes out clean,


which one washes himself?

The dirty one, answers the man.

No. They look at each other and the dirty man thinks he is clean


and the clean man thinks he is dirty, therefore, the clean man washes


himself. Now, another question. If two men climb up a chimney and one


comes out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?

The man smiles and says, You just told me, Rabbi. The man who is clean


washes himself because he thinks he is dirty.

No, says the Rabbi. If they each look at themselves, the clean man knows


he doesnt have to wash himself, so the dirty man washes himself.

Now, one more question. If two men climb up a chimney and one comes


out dirty, and one comes out clean, which one washes himself?

I dont know, Rabbi. Depending on your point of view, it could be either


one.

Again the Rabbi says, No. If two men climb up a chimney, how could


one man remain clean? They both are dirty, and they both wash themselves.

The confused man said, Rabbi, you asked me the same question


three times and you gave me three different answers.


Is this some kind of a joke?

This is not a joke, my son. This is Talmud.

A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at The Mall of America.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his Father What is this Father?.

The Father responded Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I dont know what it is!.

While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.

The Father said to his son Go get your Mother.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Willis!
Willis who?
Willis rain ever stop!

Un día, en el jardín del Edén, Eva llama a Dios:

¡Señor, tengo un problema!

Los cielos se abren y se escucha:

¿Qué te pasa, hija?

Ya sé que Tú me has creado y me has dado este hermoso jardín y todos estos animales maravillosos, pero no soy feliz.

¿Por qué, Eva?

Estoy muy sola.

Bueno, tengo la solución: crearé un hombre para ti.

¿Qué es un hombre, Señor?

El hombre será una criatura imperfecta con tendencias agresivas y enorme ego; poco dispuesto a escucharte e incapaz de comprenderte. Será mayor que tú, más rápido y musculoso; tendrá habilidad para pelear y cazar rumiantes veloces. Se portará bien en la cama, pero querrá dominarte y hacerte creer que te protege y lo necesitas. En resumen, te fastidiará bastante. Si, aún así, lo quieres, te lo daré con una condición.

¿Qué condición es esa, Señor?

Tendrás que dejarle creer que Yo lo hice a él primero…

CHILDRENS BOOKS YOULL NEVER SEE

1. Strangers Have the Best Candy



2. You Were an Accident 3. The Little Sissy Who Snitched



4. Some Kittens Can Fly!



5. Getting More Chocolate on Your Face



6. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?



7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her



8. The Attention Deficit Disorder Associations Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Lets Go Ride Our Bikes!



9. All Dogs Go to Hell



10.The Kids Guide to Hitchhiking



11.When Mommy and Daddy Dont Know the Answer They Say God Did It



12. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia



13. What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?



14. Why Cant Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?



15. Bi-Curious George



16. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry



17. Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver



18. You Are Different and Thats Bad



19. Dads New Wife Timothy



20. Pop! Goes The Hamster….And Other Great Microwave Games



21. Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets



22. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad



23. The Tickling Babysitter



24. Babar Meets the Taxidermist



25. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence



26. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables



27. Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Moms Purse



28. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy



29. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will



30. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead



31. How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School



32. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear