Why Dogs are Better than Women:

Dogs dont cry. Dogs love it when your friends come over. Dogs dont care if you use their shampoo. Dogs think you sing great. A dogs time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. Dogs dont expect you to call when you are running late, and the later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. Dogs dont care if you play with other dogs. Dogs dont notice if you call them by another dogs name. Dogs are excited by rough play. Dogs dont mind if you give their offspring away. Dogs love red meat. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. Anyone can get a good-looking dog. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs dont hate it. Dogs dont shop. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. A dogs disposition stays the same all month long. Dogs never need to examine the relationship. A dogs parents never visit. Dogs love long car trips. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. Dogs know that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted. When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it. Dogs dont hate their bodies. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood. Dogs never criticize. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. Dogs never expect gifts. Its legal to keep a dog chained up at your house. Dogs dont worry about germs. Dogs dont want to know about every other dog you ever had. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer. Dogs dont let magazine articles guide their lives. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than lobster. You never have to wait for a dog. Theyre ready to go 24 hours a day. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry. Dogs dont borrow your shirts. Dogs never want foot-rubs. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public. Dogs find you amusing when youre drunk. Dogs cant talk. Dogs arent catty.

For those of you planning on seeing the third LOTR movie at the theater her are some survival tips.
1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, Wait… where the hell is Harry Potter?
2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: YOU SHALL NOT PASS! – After the movie, say Lucas could have done it better.
3. At some point during the movie, stand up and shout: I must go! Middle Earth needs me! and run and try to jump into the screen. After bouncing off, return quietly to your seat.
4. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: The Ring.
5. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
6. Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went to Hogwarts
7. Finish off every one of Elronds lines with Mr. Anderson.
8. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, And I did it…. MY way…!
9. At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to Ethiopians
10. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someones finger and fall down the stairs.
11. When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you on the back of the neck.
12. Dress up as old ladies and reenact The Battle of Helms Deep Monty Python style.
13. When Denethor lights the fire, shout Barbecue!
14. Ask people around you who they think is the next Terminator sent from the Middle Earth of the future to assassinate Frodo Baggins
15. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout RUN FOREST, RUN!
16. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: Thats what Im Tolkien about! See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
17. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, Wheres Waldo?
18. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
19. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
20. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.Yes, he said. I do. My father taught me. Good. What comes after three. Four, answers the boy.What comes after six? Seven.Very good, says the teacher. Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?A Jack.

When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write.

Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.

Should Thom Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right.

Right?

Copyright 1991 Shelley Herman S.P.E.B.S.Q.S.A., Whittier Chapter

A Texan in New York City needed to call a nearby community from a pay phone.
Deposit $1.85 please, instructed the operator. Pulling himself up to full
height and dropping into his thickest Texas drawl, he objected, Maam, Im
from Texas, and in Texas we can place a call to Hell and back for $1.85!
I understand, sir, retorted the operator, but in Texas, thats a local call.

Dave Dodson
Richardson, TX

Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?

A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Sam arrived home from work early one afternoon only to surprise his wife busily engaged with a midget in bed.

After chasing the rogue away, Sam liberally expressed his dismay to his wayward spouse. I just dont know what to do with you! he said, shaking his head.

Weve talked about this over and over. Weve spent hours with the marriage counselor. I was really starting to believe that I could trust you again.

I know, I know… acknowledged the wife contritely. But at least Im cutting back!

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers:

• Our next song is Angels We Have Heard Get High.
• Dont let worry kill you–let the church help.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• For those of you who have children and dont know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. Shes used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
• Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
• Thursday night–Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
• The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
• The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
• The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeares Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
• Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Bob and sue have been married for 12 yrs. And never have sex with the lights on.

One night sue turned on the lights while they were having sex. And was shocked when she saw her husband with a dildol in his hands.

Sue yelled “you impatient fucker! You lying son of a…”

Bob stopped her and said, “I’m a lying son of a bitch? Than maybe you would like to explain our 3 kids?”

7. Thou shalt use the English language properly.