What do you get when you cross an [ethnic] and a monkey?

A retarded monkey.

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

Why are you eating grass? he asked one man.

We dont have any money for food. the poor man replied.

Oh, come along with me then.

But sir, I have a wife with two children!

Bring them along! And you, come with us too!, he said to the other man.

But sir, I have a wife with six children! the second man answered.

Bring them as well!

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya? The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said–Well yeah, if thats what they are–I never heard of circle flies. So the farmer says, Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, theyre called circle flies because theyre almost always found circling around the back end of a horse. The trooper says, Oh, and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass? The farmer says, Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass. The trooper says, Well, thats a good thing, and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, Hard to fool them flies, though.

A hillbillys old wife sent him to town to get something to rid the place of moths that had troubled them. The druggist sold him a box of mothballs.

Months later, the hill man came into the drugstore, complaining that: Them mothballs wouldnt work nohow, noway. Marthy and me we aimed carefully, too. But we aint hit a single moth! Maybe you got a bigger size, like one of them pool table balls.

A young country Irish lad is at the local barn dance. He spies in the
distance, a fine looking young lassie (girl!). After building up as much
courage as he can, he saunters over to her and asks her would she like to
dance. She does, so they do. After a few slow dances he looks her straight
in the eye and says, Can I smell your fanny? to which she, not altogether
unsurprisingly replies You certainly can NOT!! He nonchalantly turns to
her and says, Oh, it must be your feet then.

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughters swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, Quit looking out the window! Arent you paying attention to me?

Yes, of course I am paying attention, maam. Its just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.

I was hoping theyd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.


The passenger, Bubba, said, Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, its a po-lice roadblock! Were gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!!


Dont worry, Bubba, Earl said. Well just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.


What fer? asked Bubba.


Just let me do the talkin, OK? said Earl.


Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.


When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, You boys been drinkin? ….


No sir, Earl said. Were on the patch.

Because it was a copycat, and it was copying the chicken.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to FHA, he received the following reply:

Upon review of your letter adjoining your clients loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have cleared the Title to the proposed collateral property only back to the year 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

Your letter regarding Titles in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have Titles extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property arena, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus expedition.

Now the Pope, as Im sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana.

I hope you are satisfied. Now, may we please have our damn loan?