A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, Hey Doc can I ask you a question?

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.



The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fixem, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?



The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic….. Try doing it with the engine running!

You know you a redneck when the speaker says do the hodown and you throw your wife on the floor.

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby weighing twenty pounds.

Wow! Twenty pounds! exclaimed many at the bar as they congratulated the proud father.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, Arent you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?

The proud father answered, 10 pounds.

The bartender said, Why, what happened? Didnt he weigh twenty pounds at birth?

The proud Texas father said, Yup …just had him circumcised!

Q: What do you say to a blonde that wont give in?

A: Have another beer.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?

Bacon and legs!

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead go camping for the weekend. The brunette brings food so they can eat, the red head brings water so they can drink and the blonde brings a car door, so if she gets hot she can roll down a window.

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, Now, theres the biggest horses ass Ive ever seen. A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. Shes a horses ass too, the man said. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. Damn it! the man said, climbing back up to the bar. This must be Clinton country!Nope, the bartender replied. Horse country!

What is a cat? – Cats do what they want.
– They rarely listen to you.
– They are totally unpredictable.
– When you want to play, they want to be alone.
– When you want to be alone, they want to play.
– They expect you to cater to their every whim.
– They are moody.
– They leave hair everywhere.
– They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats.

What is a dog?

– Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most
comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
– They can hear a package of food opening half a
block away, but they dont hear you when you
are in the same room.
– They growl when they are not happy.
– When you want to play, they want to play.
– When you want to be alone, they want to play.
– They are great at begging.
– They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
– They leave their toys everywhere.
– They do disgusting things with their mouths
and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats.

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, Im sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.

Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole! she screamed.

Thats funny, he muttered, you even sound exactly like her too!

As Time Goes By – A Brief History Lesson…

3050 B.C. – A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.

525 B.C. – The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians dont try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the womens shot put.

214 B.C. – Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesnt keep the neighbors dog out.

1 B.C. – Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.

432 – St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.

1297- The worlds first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.

1456 – An English judge reviews Joan of Arcs case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

1607 – The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as John Smith.

1755 – Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.

1770 – The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, 3 shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Sat. Night.

1805 – Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.

1807 – Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.

1865 – Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lees surrender.

1912 – People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.

1934 – As if the Great Depression werent giving business enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.