Good Afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Northwest Flight 571, service to Los Angeles continuing on to San Diego. Before we take off, wed like to acquaint you with some of the safety features of this Boeing 767. You know about the emergency exits, oxygen masks, floating seat cushions, and so on, so we will not waste time with those. Consult the cards in your seat pocket for information on all features of our aircraft.

Please do pay attention to the new security features.

In the event of midair terrorism, a panel will open alongside the window seat, containing two lightweight automatic handguns. They are fully loaded, and extra clips are available in velcro straps. As the flight attendants are now demonstrating, to operate the pistol, simply draw back the slide and let it fall forward, then aim by lining up the slot in the rear site with the front site, centered on the middle of your targets torso. Depress the trigger repeatedly to fire. The pistol holds 10 rounds; after the last the slide will lock back. Depress the clip release button located above the grip on the left side, remove the clip and slide a new one into place. Please be careful of your field of fire, and continue firing until your target goes down.

Your seats backs are equipped with kevlar armor, stay well down and aim over the top or around the side.

Your flight attendants are all armed with compact submachine guns; please follow their lead in directing fire.

If you feel you are unable to perform these duties, or are a conscientious objector, please let our attentants know so we can reseat you in the cowards rows at the rear of the plane and not bring you drinks or peanuts.

For your safety, the aisles are equipped with electrified strips and computer controlled antipersonnel mines. For this reason, please remain in your seats until the captain has signalled all clear.

Note that the area around the cockpit is cleared of seats and marked with contrasting carpet. Under no circumstances should you cross this barrier during flight, various automatic devices will be activated to protect the cockpit.

The hatch in the floor at the back of the cabin is similarly marked and should be avoided during flight.

Anyone creating a disturbance, caught tampering with the pistol cases or smoke detectors in the lavatories will be apprehended and ejected via the rear floor hatch.

Thank you, and have a pleasant flight. We know you have a choice when you fly, and we thank you for choosing Northwest…

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.Arent you going to have a drink yourself? asked the doctor.Sure, after the police leave, replied the lawyer.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
Well doc, its like this – First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hanf, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?The old man replied, Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldnt get the jar open.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A finite number F. One to change it and F-1 to act in a stereotypical manner according to the part theyre playing (See the formula @ the start.)

¡Mañana los quiero a todos aquí a las 6:00 A.M. sin pretextos! les decia el general del 4o regimiento de caballería a sus soldados.

Al día siguiente, a la hora señalada, ¡no había llegado nadie! El general estaba furioso, cuando ve que viene uno de sus soldados a pie.

¿Qué le paso?, ¡les dije que a las 6:00!

Sí, mi general, pero venía en mi caballo y que mete la pata en un pozo y se le quebró la pata, y no me quedó más remedio que matarlo y dejarlo en el camino y venirme a pie.

¡Ah, caray! No, pos pásele.

Otro soldado que venía atrás escuchó el pretexto del caballo y cuando llega con el general:

Fíjese mi general que yo venía en mi caballo, pero lo mordió una víbora y se me murió en el camino y yo me vine a pie.

Otro soldado: Fijese mi general que venía en mi yegua y se puso a dar a luz y la dejé en el camino y me tuve que venir caminando.

Y todos los soldados que llegaban daban el pretexto del caballo, y el general más se iba encabronando.

¡A ver usted!, ¿por qué llegó tarde?

Fíjese mi general, que venía en mi caballo, y que le da la encefalitis equina, y se me muere en el camino y me tuve que venir a pie.

¡Me lleva la chingada! ¡Próximo cabrón que me salga conque le pasó algo a su caballo, lo mando fusilar!

En eso llega el soldado Pepito.

¡Usted!, soldado Pepito, ¿por qué llega tarde? ¡No vaya a salir con el pretexto del caballo!

No, mi general, yo venía a toda a madre en mi camioneta, pero el camino estaba hasta la chingada de caballos muertos, y no pude pasar, así que dejé la camioneta y me vine a pie!

Un tipo hosco y mal encarado entra a un banco. De forma prepotente le ordena a la cajera:

¡Quiero abrir una pinche cuenta en este banco de porquería!

¡Por favor, señor, está prohibido hablar de esa manera aquí!

¿Por qué jijos de la chingada no puedo hablar como se me dé mi gana?

¡Señor, le suplico que deje de decir vulgaridades!, solicita la chica con serenidad.

Me vale madres lo que usted piense, yo sólo quiero abrir una maldita cuenta en este banco de mierda!

La cajera, indignada por el comportamiento del grosero individuo, se va y regresa acompañada del gerente del banco para que éste lo ponga en su lugar. El gerente, muy diplomáticamente, se dirige al hombre:

Disculpe, caballero, ¿puedo ayudarle en algo?

¡Vaya pregunta pendeja! ¡Claro que me puedes ayudar, tarado! Me acabo de ganar pinches 50 millones de dólares en la lotería y quiero abrir una cuenta en esta porquería de banco!

¡Ah, ya veo… Y esta estúpida perra mal parida lo está molestando, ¿verdad, pendeja?, responde el gerente cambiando de actitud.

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements: 1. Religion 2. Royalty 3. Sex 4. Mystery

The prize-winning essay read:



My God, said the Queen, Im pregnant. I wonder who did it!

The wife comes home from a night at bingo with a new fur coat. She says Honey, look what I won at bingo.



Next week she comes home from bingo with a large diamond ring. She says,Honey look what I won at bingo.



Next week she come home from bingo driving a new porsche, she says Honey, look what I won at bingo.



The next week as she is preparing to get ready for bingo, the husband asks – Honey shall I draw you a bath? To which she replies Why sure.



As the wife enters the tub she notices there is less than a inch of water in the tub.



She asks how am I supposed to take a bath in this amount of water?



To which the husband replies…

I wouldnt want you to get your bingo card wet!

Dont marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

A: Chirpes. Its one of those canarial diseases. I hear its untweetable.