An <ethnic> couple decided to stay at a very exclusive, WASP only
hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for
what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided
to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill
and were surprised to find they owe $3000.

Hows this? Weve only been here one night! the man was annoyed.

So? said the manager, This is a very expensive hotel. We have
golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars
and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up.

But we didnt use any of these! explained the couple.

If you didnt use–thats your problem, came the reply.

In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl
who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill, said the
man.

What do you mean? the manager was taken off guard, I didnt
sleep with your wife!

If you didnt use–thats your problem!

Alexander Pruss, at one of: Department of Applied Mathematics,
Astronomy, Mathematics, or Physics / University of Western Ontario

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures hes referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and….

He is interrupted by the doctor, And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear.

Yes! Exactly! How did you know?

Well I am the worlds greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.

Two weeks go by and the man is back, Well, how do you feel?

Doc, Im a new man! I feel great! I havent had a headache since I started this treatment! I cant thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home.

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, Keith, were in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?

Keith replied, No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.

Picture this All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

He didnt realize it was the umbilical cord.

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her. Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful? God: So you will always want to look at her. Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft? God: So you will always want to touch her. Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good? God: So you will always want to be near her.Adam: Thats wonderful Lord, and I dont want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid? God: So she would love you.

Testers report problems with Windows TP beta

NEW YORK, Apr 1, Reuter – Microsofts new Windows TP has a long way to go before final release, say beta testers of the product. Testers report numerous problems with the thought icons included with the product.

I can see a fish tail representing some useful things, but the Program Manager? Its just not intuitive, says Clyde Revlon, an MIS specialist with McBalmy, Crain, and Larch. Whoever came up with these thought icons needs therapy. Im sure the guys Yorkshire terrier is wonderful, but as the File Manager? A golden retriever I could understand. And that sweater the terrier is wearing, its just too loud. Let me control the sweater.

Testers also report dangerous corruption problems with the Direct Neuron Access technology. Colors, I smell colors. Dog, good dog, go to the light mom, said Maggie Ferreaux, a consultant with Sharp, Trenchant, and Blunt Computer Services.

Other testers were less understanding. Im working on a presentation, and suddenly all I can think about is pages A through C of the Miami telephone directory. It took me three hours to get it out of my mind. That blows my productivity right out of the water, says Max Pirenich, a salesman for Carp Technology. Just thinking about Excel scares the Carp out of me.

Microsoft officials acknowledged the issues, citing that no beta release of a product is perfect, and vowed to provide testers with the services of the same Neurologist that helped Microsoft Quality Assurance recover from testing the product in its early stages. Many Microsoft QA engineers are expected to lead long, productive lives.

Originally from Dave Coble
Read also:
Part 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5

Q: How do you get 500 midgets into a Volkswagon?

A: You have to manufacture a Volkswagon large enough to accomidate 500 midgets. It wouldnt be street-legal, but at least the problem of getting 500 midgets into a Volkswagon is solved.

gavinfx@yahoo.com

The traffic cop excitedly told his wife, Can you believe this, dear? I finished this jigsaw puzzle in only four months!

Is that a record, honey? his wife asked.

It must be, said the cop. It says three to five years on the box.

I noted the following in misc.kids. Ive got the authors approval to
submit it to rec.humor.funny:

My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air. Of course,
you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.

Robert Plamondon
robert@weitek.COM

1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity
2. If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money cant buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja moo: The feeling that youve heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If theyre OK, youre it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
14. TJs Law: You cant fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you cant find them.
18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Number 16 of course, came from Mark Twain