Old and New Jokes

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, Give me six double vodka.

The barman says, Wow! you must have had one hell of a day. Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said Jesus! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?

Yeah, my wife!

What do a Blonde and KFC have in common?

After your done with the breast and the thigh all you have left is a greasy bucket to stick your bone into.

Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!

Two friends, Fred and Harry were golfing one fine day.



Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.



Harry, laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond where Fred has hit his.



Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute.

Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.



Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch smashing the weeds to pieces.



All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, Im Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?!



Just for that, you wont have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life… better still; you wont have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life….. as a matter of fact, you wont have any butter for anything the rest of your life!

Then POOF!…she was gone.



After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend,

Harry!….Harry!…where are you?



Harry yells, I hit my ball in these damn pussywillows!



Fred screams back…..DONT SWING! FOR GODS SAKE, DONT SWING!

A man walking down the beach sees an old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed-off genie emerges. She says, normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son-of-a-@#*%, I am going to grant only 1.

The man thinks a minute and says, Okay, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed. She says, So be it!, and disappears back into the bottle.



Next morning, the guy wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance.

I have two friends in North Georgia named LeRoy and Bubba. Last October
they went down to Athens to see a football game, and during the halftime
activities, they noticed UGA, the canine mascot of the Bulldog team, licking
his privates on the fifty yard line.

Damn, Bubba, I wish I could do that! LeRoy said.

Bubba cried, Fool! That dog would bite your head off!

BATCH – A group, kinda like a herd.

Yo mama so fat that she has more chins than a chinese phone book

A foreman at a construction site gathers three of his workers: an Irishman, an Italian and a Chinese.

He says to the Irishman, youre in charge of Sweeping,I want this whole area swept up before I get back.

He says to the Italian, Youre in charge of shoveling. I want that pile shoveled into the truck so they can haul it away.

He says to the Chinaman, Youre in charge of supplies. No make sure that all gets done before I get back.

Three hours later, he returns and none of the work is done. The Irishman says, I couldnt find a broom. You left the Chinaman in charge of supplies and he disappeared. The Italian says And I couldnt find a shovel.

So the forman starts walking and looking for the chinaman. Just then,the Chinaman jumps out from behind a pillar and screams SUPPLIES!!

The church choir was putting on a car wash to raise money to pay their expenses for a special trip.

They made a large sign, CAR WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP, and on the given Saturday business was very good.

But by two oclock the skies clouded and the rain poured and there were hardly any customers. Finally, one of the girl washers had an idea. She printed a very large poster which said, WE WASH (then an arrow pointing skyward) GOD RINSES.

Business boomed!