Old and New Jokes

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him this is all in your mind, and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, I can cure this, and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke….

The witch doctor says This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say 1 2 3 and it shall rise for as long as you wish!

The guy then asks the witch doctor What happens after when its over?.

The witch doctor says all you have to say is 1 2 3 4 and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!

This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news… So he is lying in bed with her and says 1 2 3, and suddenly he gets a hard-on.

His wife turns over and says What did you say 1 2 3 for?

Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you
try to remove it.

Whats worth doing is worth doing for money.

Have you seen Ray Charles wife?

Neither has he!

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they cant see each other using sign language, natch).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. Honey, she signs, Why dont we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you dont want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.

And if you dont want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis……fifty times

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman Give me six double vodkas.

The barman says Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.

Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says Geez! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?.

Yeah, my wife…

A new jail warden was being shown through the jailhouse by the old warden.

Soon, after making rounds around the rest of the jail, they get to the cafeteria. In one corner, he sees a group of elderly men laughing hysterically.

Interested, he watches them while the older warden gets his food. One of the men shouts out 63! and the entire table bursts out laughing. The new warden is totally baffled by the behavior of them. 74!, again a chorus of guffaws ring out.

The old warden comes back to the table where the new warden sits staring, and the new warden asks What are those elderly men doing.

The old warden smirks, and says, Oh, those are the life timers. Theyve been in here so long, they just number their jokes.

Meanwhile another one calls out 2!. Nobody laughs.

The new warden leans over and asks, What happened? To this the warden replied, Oh, he blew the delivery.

A U.S. Army survival manual tells how a stranded serviceman should deal
with the inhabitants of wherever he is:

Be respectful of their personal property, especially their women.

A guy and his son go into a bar. The son is just a head though. The man asks the bartender for two shots. The man takes one shot and gives the other one to his son. The son swallows down the drink and out pops an arm.
The man thought,Hey this is good. So he asks for two more shots. He drinks one and gives the other to his son again, and out pops another arm.
The man the asks for a double and gives it to his son. The son throws it down and suddenly explodes.
The bartender looks over at the man and says, Looks like he should have quit while he was ahead.