Old and New Jokes

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow Id be a little bull.

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!

The kid smiles and says, I would be a bus driver!

10) They told me at the blood bank this might happen. 9) This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to. 8) Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time! 7) I wasnt sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm. 6) I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance. 5) I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga? 4) Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. 3) The coffee machine is broken… 2) Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot… 1) …..in Jesus name, Amen.

Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sunset.

The history professor asked the psychology professor, Have you read Marx?

The professor of psychology replied, Yes. I think its these pesky wicker chairs.

The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up. A twelve-year-old said, I want to be a prostitute.The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, What did you say?The young girl shrugged. I said I want to be a prostitute.A prostitute! the Mother Superior said, Oh, praise sweet Jesus! And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant!

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

I have only one condition, he said. At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.

The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. He was an evil man, he said. He cheated on his wife and abused his family. After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. Hes got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "Whats in the bags?""Sand," answered Juan.The guard says, "Well just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the mans shoulders, and lets him cross the border.A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?""Sand," says Juan.The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesnt show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico."Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. Its driving me crazy. Its all I think about….. I cant sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.

I assume, she snarled, that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six oclock in the morning?

There is, he replied, breakfast.

You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

You bring your dog to work with you.

Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jacks liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, Oh Jack, give me a pint o the brandy.

Sister Mary Katherine, exclaimed Jack, I could never do that! Ive never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!

Oh Jack, she responded, its only for the Mother Superior.

Her voice dropped.

It helps her constipation, you know.

So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superiors constipation!

Sister Mary Katherine didnt miss a beat as she replied: And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, shes going to shit!

Three strings walked by a bar and noticed a sign outside it that said NO STRINGS ALLOWED.

Indignant at the discrimination the first string decided to go in and order a drink.

The bartender said Cant your read? and when the string refused to leave he picked it up and tossed it out the door.

The second string tried the same thing and when it also refused to leave the bartender punched it and threw it out the door as well.

The third string thought for a few seconds, then scraped itself along the sidewalk harshly until it was ragged all over. Then it twisted itself inside out and around and around until its middle was all in a bunch.

Then it entered the bar, got up on a stool and ordered a martini.

Say, asked the bartender suspiciously, arent you the string I just threw out of here?

Fraid not, replied the string.