Q: What is the worst possible bridge hand you can have?
A: 4 aces, 4 kings, 4 queens, and 2 jacks.
An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, What are you thinking? An older woman doesnt care what you think.
An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of herbal tea.
An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Older women can run faster because theyre always wearing sensible shoes.
Theres no need to be phobic about committing to and older woman – the last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.
Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if youre acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.
Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women cant help you when you need to start replacing your old fillings.
An older woman will never accuse you of using her. Shes using you!
Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.
An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when shes with you, in case you get any ideas…
Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.
Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often dont wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
Older women know what Kegel exercises are.
An older woman will agree to go to McDonalds with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.
Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.
An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.
An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.
Fred: So how was your wedding night?
Ted: Very good until the morning after. i forgot where i was and i said to my wife you were wonderful. heres $100
Fred: Thats not bad. She might not guess that you thought she was a hooker.
Ted: but she gave me back $50 and told me to keep the change.
Sunday night:
Mystery, She Wrote:
Cabot Cove is engulfed by a wave of anonymous charitable gifts. The mayor asks Jessica to investigate so the donors can be honored in a public ceremony. Ratings: S/MU, ALG.
[See ratings at the end of this listing.]
The Sunday Night Movie: Blowing Up in Beverly Hills:
A made-for-TV movie based on an actual event. After two troubled siblings (real-life brothers Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen) contemplate murdering their wealthy but insensitive parents, they decide instead to go to court. While attending mandatory therapy, the family explores and heals deep-seated conflicts. Inspired by the trial of Lyle and Erik Menendez. Dr. Goodfellow: Alan Alda. First of two parts. Ratings: S/MU, VATCOT, RPSE.
Married… Happily with Children:
After Jefferson and Marcys house is repossessed by a greedy banker, Al contacts Habitat for Humanity. Special appearance by Jimmy and Rosalyn Carter. Ratings: S/MU, ISS.
Ratings key:
From the April 1994 issue of *Reason* magazine.
Copyright 1994 by the Reason Foundation, 3415 S.Sepulveda Blvd., Suite 400, Los Angeles,CA 90034.
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, lets do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?
General Education:
GE101:
Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges
GE102:
How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
GE103:
Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity
GE104:
Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera
Drivers Education:
DE101:
Getting Past Automatic Transmission
DE102:
The Meaning of Blinking Red Lights
DE103:
Approximating a Constant Speed
DE104:
Makeup and Driving–Its As Simple As Oil and Water
DE105:
How to Parallel Park
DE106:
Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps
Economics:
EC101:
Checkbook Balancing (formerly Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic)
EC102:
How to Avoid Spending Money You Dont Have (formerly How to Cut
Credit Cards in Half)
EC103:
How to Earn Your Own Money
Home Economics:
HE101a:
Over-Laundering – Why Clothing Wears Out Prematurely
HE101b:
Over-Vacuuming – Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely
HE101c:
Over-Dusting – Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely
HE101d:
Over-Washing – Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely
HE102:
Beyond Clean and Dirty: The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
HE103:
Overcoming The Imelda Syndrome (formerly called How Many Feet
Do You Have, Anyway?)
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101:
How to Say No With Kindness and Appreciation
IR102:
Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy
Watching Roller Derby
IR103:
Submission – a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)
IR104:
Marriage – The Number One Cause of Divorce
IR105:
Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly Keeping Your Personal
Problems from Ruining Everyone Elses Life Too)
IR106:
Understanding Mens Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly
called We Know What That Little Plastic Applicator is REALLY For!)
IR107:
MYOB: Proper Response to Other Couples Public Arguments
Sex Education:
SE101a:
How to Say Yes
SE101b:
How to Say No But Mean Yes
SE102:
Sex – Its Not Just for Breakfast Anymore
SE103:
Who Belongs on Top and Why
SE104:
Lingerie – The Gift that Keeps On Giving
SE105:
Sexual Alternatives for That Time of the Month (formerly
titled Any Old Port in a Storm)
SE106:
Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)
15 Signs You Forgot Someone On Secretaries Day
1. Phone messages delivered on end of spear.
2. Your important dictation somehow seems to blah blah blah I am a slave-driving cheapskate.
3. A copy of the latest bestseller So, Your Heads Up Your Ass, Now What? appears on your desk.
4. When did FTD start doing an Up Yours Bouquet?
5. First, a message that Cindy Crawford is on line 2, followed a few seconds later by Satanic laughter.
6. Its not so much the cold coffee, its the staples at the bottom of the cup.
7. Your big business dinner at the Four Seasons Restaurant in Manhattan is rescheduled for Big Jebs 24-Hour Truck Stop outside of Newark, New Jersey.
8. Nude picture of Marlon Brando pops up in your Powerpoint presentation.
9. Supposedly shredded Whitewater documents turn up in the Washington Post cafeteria.
10. Now answers the phone, Smith, Jones and Tighta**.
11. That NY-to-LA trip she booked for you now involves six plane changes, a 12-hour layover in Guam and a personal appearance on Ricki Lakes Im A Selfish Pig episode.
12. Newly-typed organization chart lists your position as Head Up His Ass.
13. Your computers mouse has been replaced by an electro-genital shock device.
14. While admittedly funnier than usual, daily Top 5 list she forwards you contains 15 identical You suck! entries.
15. Expense report you dont recall submitting comes back with denied charges for beer & hookers.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Sally!
Sally who?
Sally dance!
Out far away in the himalayas there was a small village that was constantly terrified by this terrible monster named the medecrin.
The medicrin would come down to the village once a week and eat one of the villagers. Now, as you would guess, the population of the village decreased greatly after a few months of this, so, the chief of the village called forth the greatest hunter he could get and told him to hunt down and kill the medicrin.
So, after much talk, the hunter finally agreed to kill the medicrine. But the hunter, being smart, decided he would have to trap the monster to kill it, figuring he would get eaten if he faced it head on.
So he looked in his himalayan monster field book and found out that medicrins like sugar, so he ordered all the villagers to dig a deep hole and fill it with all the sugar in the village.
Later that week, the medicrine came down to the village. When it went after its usual meal, it saw the pit of sugar, looked at it a moment, and then went after another villager.
After the medicrin left, the chief called up the great hunter, and scolded the hunter for failing, but the hunter convinced the chief to give him another chance, and the chief agreed.
The next day, the hunter looked back to his himalayan monster field book and found that medicrins like loons even more than sugar.
So the great hunter went out, caught a loon, and placed it in the pit with the sugar. Now, it turns out that loons like sugar even more than medicrins, so the loon ate up all the sugar. So, a few days later the medicrine returned on time for its villager feast.
But, as it was heading for the village, the medicrin saw the pit with the loon. The medicrin imediatly became hungry for loon, so it climbed down into the pit and at the loon. But, as soon as it finished the loon off, it fell over, deader than a doornail.
The moral of the story? A loon full of sugar helps the medecrin go down.
One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldnt be late for church.
As she ran she kept praying, Dear God, please dont let me be late to church.
Please dont let me be late to church….
As she was running she tripped and fell.
When she got back up she began praying again…
Please, God dont let me be late to church — but dont shove me either!
—————————-
One day a boy and hid father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.
The boy asked hid Dad, What are these Pop?
Theyre smart pills son, said his father.
Eat them and theyll make you smarter.
So he ate them and said, Yuck…these taste like poop!
See, said his father, youre already getting smarter!
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