Old and New Jokes

Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said, I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I havent got the energy.

Well, why dont you nibble on some of my droppings? replied the bull. Theyre packed with nutrients.

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey from the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there!

The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who
was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red,
Im sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your pegleg.

Well, I was thrown from the ship during gale force winds, and before me
mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off.

The interviewer was sort of disappointed. What about the hook at the
end of your right arm?

I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard.

Again the reporter was disappointed. Certainly theres an exciting
story about the patch on your eye?

One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and crapped in me eye.

The reporter was amazed. Thats why you wear a patch?

Well, Id only had me hook a couple of days.

• Alp:
  One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European.

• Avalanche:
  One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, First Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

• Bindings:
  Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers.

• Bones:
  There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however; the two bones of the middle ear have never been broken while skiing.

• Cross-Country Skiing:
  Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain technique. Its good exercise, doesnt require purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. See also Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

• Cross-Country Something-or-Other:
  Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled screams of other skiers dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.

• Exercises:
  A few simple warm-ups to make sure youre prepared for the slopes:

  1. Tie a cinder block to each foot and climb a flight of stairs.
  2. Sit on the outside of a fourth-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for at least 30 minutes.
  3. Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

• Gloves:
  Designed to be tight around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.

• Gravity:
  One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.

• Inertia:
  Tendency of a skiers body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newtons First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws:

  1. Two objects of different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital and home care bills.
  2. Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, dont expect to encounter it again in our universe.
  3. When an irresistible force meets an immovable object (see Tree)

• Prejump:
  Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled pre-fall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, may precede it with either a pre-scream and a few pre-groans or simple profanity.

• Shin:
  The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.

• Ski!:
  A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is Avalanche! (which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill).

• Skier:
  One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

• Stance:
  Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, Am I nuts or what?

• Thor:
  The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

• Traverse:
  To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.

• Tree:
  Alternate method of either Traverse or Stopping.

Heres the first installment of politically correct TV shows coming up in the fall TV season, complete with ratings supplied by Big Brother (offensive to the politically correct):

Sunday night:

Mystery, She Wrote:
Cabot Cove is engulfed by a wave of anonymous charitable gifts. The mayor asks Jessica to investigate so the donors can be honored in a public ceremony. Ratings: S/MU, ALG.
[See ratings at the end of this listing.]

The Sunday Night Movie: Blowing Up in Beverly Hills:
A made-for-TV movie based on an actual event. After two troubled siblings (real-life brothers Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen) contemplate murdering their wealthy but insensitive parents, they decide instead to go to court. While attending mandatory therapy, the family explores and heals deep-seated conflicts. Inspired by the trial of Lyle and Erik Menendez. Dr. Goodfellow: Alan Alda. First of two parts. Ratings: S/MU, VATCOT, RPSE.

Married… Happily with Children:
After Jefferson and Marcys house is repossessed by a greedy banker, Al contacts Habitat for Humanity. Special appearance by Jimmy and Rosalyn Carter. Ratings: S/MU, ISS.

Ratings key:

S/MU: spiritual or moral uplift
ISS: implied safe sex
WW: win-win solution to intractable social disease or problem
ALG: ameliorated liberal guilt
VATCOT: violence avoided through court-ordered therapy
PCMM: potentially contradictory moral message
RPSE: reinforcement of positive self-esteem.

From the April 1994 issue of *Reason* magazine.

Copyright 1994 by the Reason Foundation, 3415 S.Sepulveda Blvd., Suite 400, Los Angeles,CA 90034.

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, Ya know, since summer started Ive been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. Ive tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, Yea, me too. Ive got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. Ive even had the place fumigated, and they wont go away. The third said, I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church… Havent seen one back since!

A man had a terrible speech impediment and was having trouble finding a job. One day he went to an employer and applied.The employer was reluctant.But, I dont think youd be a good salesman with the way you talk, said the employer.Pweashe… give me a chanshe, the man begged.So the man was hired to sell toothbrushes. He tried and tried, but was unable to sell any toothbrushes.The man went to his boss, having done a terrible job. The boss wanted to fire the man, but the man insisted he be given another chance.I got sze besht idear, he told his boss.The next week, when the man reported to his boss, the man had sold 10,000 toothbrushes.Wow! his boss exclaimed. How did you do it?Well, it wash shimple, shee. I gone to the airport, shet up a table, and shet up shum chips and dips. The people would come, and tashte the chips and dips, and would say they tast like crap.Then I would shay, it IS crap, you wanna buy a toofbrush?

Its 5 in the morning. The marine recruits are lined up outside their barracks. Nude. Its mid-January. In Alaska. The sergeant walks up to the first marine and whacks him across the … [fill in the blank].

The sergeant barks: Did you feel that, soldier?

The recruit responds: No, sir!

The sergeant: Why not, soldier?

The recruit: Because Im a rough tough marine, sir!

The sergeant goes to the next marine and whacks him across his … [fill in the blank]. The sergeant bellows: Did you feel that, soldier?

The recruit screams: No, sir!

Why not, soldier? Because Im a rough tough marine. Sir!

The sergeant goes to the third marine and etc. etc. Did you feel that?

No, sir!

Why not?

Because it belongs to the guy behind me!

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving… seemingly oblivious to the fact that Gods ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Dont you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."Satan asked, "Arent you afraid of me?""Nope, sure aint," said the man.Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why arent you afraid of me?"The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?

A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

ADDICTED INTERNET JUNKIE!!!!

1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy—–for a year!!!!!

2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3. You see something funny and scream, LOL, LOL.

4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ……instead of ICU!

5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer…or put it in the bathroom.

7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.

8. Tech support calls YOU for help.

9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can hang out.

10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

12. You say he he he he or heh heh heh instead of laughing.

13. You say SCROLL UP when someone asks what it was you said.

14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.

15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.

17. You start to experience withdrawal after not being online for awhile.

18. You say…….Where did the time go??

19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.

20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

21. You end your sentences with…..three or more periods…….

22. You need to be pried from your computer by the jaws-of-life.

23. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this…. BRB. Leave your S/N and Ill TTYL…ASAP.

24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ****kisses*****.

25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.

26. Youre on the phone and say BRB.

27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood-shot eyes.

28. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.