María era la más sabrosona del pueblo, la que mejor lo meneaba, la que se los echaba a todos. Un día llega a su casa y su mamá le cuenta que no hay nada que comer.

Tranquila, mamá ahorita salgo y consigo algo.

En lo que sale, ve venir a lo lejos al bobo del pueblo con tres gallinas y piensa:

Listo, a este idiota le quito las gallinas.

Se arregla el pelo, los pechos y se acerca al tipo:

Hola, ¿por qué no me regalas esas gallinas?

No, esas son mis gallinas.

María le insiste con voz dulce:

Anda, regálame las gallinas.

El bobo le replica:

No, esas son mis gallinas.

Ella sigue insistiendo hasta que el tipo le propone:

Bueno, si me dejas mamarte un seno te doy una gallina.

Indignada, la chica le contesta:

¡Estás loco! Por una gallina, no

Bueno, entonces me voy.

María al recordar a su familia cede:

Está bien, vamos a aquel árbol.

Se saca un seno y el sujeto comienza a chupar:

Much, much, much.

Después de eso, la joven se arriesga:

¿Por qué no me das otra gallina?

No, esas son mis gallinas.

Anda, dame otra gallina, insiste.

Bueno, si te dejas chupar otro seno.

Caramba, está bien, total ya me chupaste una.

María se saca el otro seno y el bobo:

Much, much, much.

Mientras el hombre estaba en lo suyo, María le dice:

Dame la otra gallina, ¿qué vas a hacer con una sola? ¡Anda!

Bueno, si te dejas chupar la cucha.

La mujer se queda pensando y acepta:

Está bien, vale.

Y el bobo empieza a chupar; María comienza a agitarse, a gemir y gritar. Toda excitada le suplica:

¡No aguanto, métemelo, bobo! ¡Métemeloooooo!

Si me das las tres gallinas.

Era un señor que su esposa siempre lo golpeaba. Como vivía en una vecindad todos oían los trancazos.

Un día que llegaba del trabajo; le dijo un vecino: YA VECINO, todos oyen que su vieja le pega, no se deje, ¿qué a poco se va a dejar?

Y el le dice: No, pero es que mi vieja si está fuertota

Mire, le voy a dar un consejo, para guardar las apariencias… cuándo ella le esté pegando, grite fuerte como si el que la estuviera fregando fuera ustéd.

Ah, caray, ¿o sea que cuándo ella me pegue YO GRITO como si la estuviera madreando a ella?

Claro, asi todos creeran que ustéd es bien macho… de una vez hágalo, orita que va pá su casa…

Y ahí va el Señor y llega con su mujer que ya lo está esperando con el rodillo, y la mujer le suelta el primer madrazo y el grita:

¡ORALE POR HIJA DE TODA TU PUTA MADRE!

Y la señora toda sacada de onda le suelta otro fregadazo, y el señor otra vez:

¡TOMA PARA QUE SE TE QUITE LO CABRONA. YA NO TE AGUANTO PINCHE VIEJA PENDEJA!

La mujer no sabe que hacer ya del coraje y lo agarra y lo avienta por la ventana. Y el señor grita:

¡ES MÁS, YA ME VOOOOOOOOOYYYYY!

During a neighborhood party, Joe got into an argument with his neighbor, about presidential politics. Finally, the neighbor asked me why Joe was such a dedicated Republican.



Joe told him that his father and grandfather were both Republicans and he was carrying on the family tradition.



Thats it? said the exasperated neighbor. What if your father and

grandfather had been horse thieves?



Well… Joe replied, I suppose then Id be a Democrat like you.

Women Seeking Men: WORD MEANING

Affectionate Possessive

Artistic Unreliable

Athletic Flat-Chested

Exotic beauty Would frighten a Martian

Free spirit Substance user

Fun Annoying

Loves animals Cat lady

New Age All body hair, all the time

Outgoing Loud

Spiritual Involved with a cult

Stable Boring

Wants Soulmate Stalker



Men Seeking Women WORD MEANING

Athletic Sits on the sofa and watches ESPN

Average looking Average hair growth on ears, nose and back

Educated Will always treat you like an idiot

Employed On management track at Radio Shack

Financially Secure I will spend so in return for which I to obey my every whim of your moral life.

Free Spirit Sleeps with your sister

Huggable Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben

Professional Owns a white button-down

Sensitive Needy

Stable Stalker, but never convicted

Thoughtful Says please when demanding a beer

Young at heart Pedophile

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommates parents (postage due).

When in doubt, use brute force.

Knew it was the ONLY way to get people who actually understand Foriegn Policy to help him
His top advisors (Hillary and George Stephanopoulis) thought it was a good idea
He can blame his huge tax increases on the other guys
Hell switch back (again) to his liberal agenda when he scams the election
Business as usual in the Clinton white house – say whatever people want to hear
He thought Dole was pineapples and he likes em
It ends with can
Thought that was the party of immorality so he better join
Someone told him he would get free meals at McDonnalds
And the Number Reason Bill Clinton is a Closet Republican
Its the ONLY way he can win

One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse

going down the street, followed by another hearse, followed by a

man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200

men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and

asked who was in the first one. My wife, the man replied.

Im sorry, said Dave. What happened to her?

My dog bit her and she died.

Dave was taken aback. And whos in the second hearse?

My mother-in-law. My dog bit her too and she died as well.

Dave asked, Can I borrow your dog?

Get in line.

Two Jews are sitting in a Chinese restaurant. Are there any Chinese Jews?

The other sips his tea. I dont know. I suppose so.

You suppose so?

Yeah, there are Jews everywhere. I was in the Caribbean and they showed us this synagogue from the 16th century.

But that doesnt mean there are Chinese Jews.

At this point the waiter comes up with their checks. Hey! Hop Sing! Listen, are there any Chinese Jews?

The waiter shakes his head. Dont understand.

Jews. Jews. Chinese Jews.

The waiter smiles and nods. I go ask. He goes away and returns shortly.

No Chinese Jews. Orange Jews, Tomato Jews but no Chinese Jews …

Thoughts From Women About Being A Woman

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

* Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrow.

* Janette Barber

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

* Lily Tomlin

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

* Carrie Snow

Old age aint no place for sissies.

* Bette Davis

If you cant be a good example, then youll just have to be a horrible warning.

* Catherine Aird

A mans got to do what a mans got to do. A woman must do what he cant.

* Rhonda Hansome

The phrase working mother is redundant.

* Jane Sellman

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

* Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

* Caryn Leschen

Whoever thought up the word Mammogram? Every time I hear it, I think Im supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.

* Jan King

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

* Jennifer Unlimited

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!

* Kathy Buckley

Im not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know Im not dumb and Im also not blonde.

* Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

* Erica Jong

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

* Sue Grafton

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.

* Laurie Kuslansky

I think – therefore Im single.

* Lizz Winstead

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? Its plucking your eyebrows. Thats how I originally got pierced ears.

* Geri Jewell

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

* Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

* Maryon Pearson

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man – if you want anything done, ask a woman.

* Margaret Thatcher

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

* Gloria Steinem

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.

* Marie Corelli

If men can run the world, why cant they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

* Linda Ellerbee

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

* Eleanor Roosevelt