A man had a terrible speech impediment and was having trouble finding a job. One day he went to an employer and applied.The employer was reluctant.But, I dont think youd be a good salesman with the way you talk, said the employer.Pweashe… give me a chanshe, the man begged.So the man was hired to sell toothbrushes. He tried and tried, but was unable to sell any toothbrushes.The man went to his boss, having done a terrible job. The boss wanted to fire the man, but the man insisted he be given another chance.I got sze besht idear, he told his boss.The next week, when the man reported to his boss, the man had sold 10,000 toothbrushes.Wow! his boss exclaimed. How did you do it?Well, it wash shimple, shee. I gone to the airport, shet up a table, and shet up shum chips and dips. The people would come, and tashte the chips and dips, and would say they tast like crap.Then I would shay, it IS crap, you wanna buy a toofbrush?

Its 5 in the morning. The marine recruits are lined up outside their barracks. Nude. Its mid-January. In Alaska. The sergeant walks up to the first marine and whacks him across the … [fill in the blank].

The sergeant barks: Did you feel that, soldier?

The recruit responds: No, sir!

The sergeant: Why not, soldier?

The recruit: Because Im a rough tough marine, sir!

The sergeant goes to the next marine and whacks him across his … [fill in the blank]. The sergeant bellows: Did you feel that, soldier?

The recruit screams: No, sir!

Why not, soldier? Because Im a rough tough marine. Sir!

The sergeant goes to the third marine and etc. etc. Did you feel that?

No, sir!

Why not?

Because it belongs to the guy behind me!

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving… seemingly oblivious to the fact that Gods ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Dont you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."Satan asked, "Arent you afraid of me?""Nope, sure aint," said the man.Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why arent you afraid of me?"The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?

A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: If youve got a green ball in your left hand, and a green ball in your right hand, what do you have?

A: Kermit the Frogs undivided attention.

ADDICTED INTERNET JUNKIE!!!!

1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy—–for a year!!!!!

2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3. You see something funny and scream, LOL, LOL.

4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ……instead of ICU!

5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer…or put it in the bathroom.

7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.

8. Tech support calls YOU for help.

9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can hang out.

10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

12. You say he he he he or heh heh heh instead of laughing.

13. You say SCROLL UP when someone asks what it was you said.

14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.

15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.

17. You start to experience withdrawal after not being online for awhile.

18. You say…….Where did the time go??

19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.

20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

21. You end your sentences with…..three or more periods…….

22. You need to be pried from your computer by the jaws-of-life.

23. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this…. BRB. Leave your S/N and Ill TTYL…ASAP.

24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ****kisses*****.

25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.

26. Youre on the phone and say BRB.

27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood-shot eyes.

28. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.

IBM: Incompatible Business Machines

The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.

After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station.

After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings.

Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings.

This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..)

Hot Dang, the Pope says to His-self, If hes getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!.

They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses.

Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.

The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out Hey Pete! Whats the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?

Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. Were putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because hes the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!

Una pareja tuvo su primera cita y salieron una noche. Cuando salieron, él se dio cuenta que no llevaba dinero en efectivo y acordó que le iba a pagar a ella $500 por los gastos de la cita que tuvo que desembolsar. Al otro día decide enviarle un cheque a través de su secretaria, pero para que ésta no se enterara de la relación que hubo entre los dos, le da a entender que el dinero es en pago por el alquiler de un apartamento. Sin embargo, el tipo decide enviarle un cheque por $300 en lugar de los $500 acordados y le expone las siguientes razones:

Estimada señora:

Le envío $300 en vez de los $500 acordados en pago del apartamento que alquile pues esperaba otra cosa:

1ro. Esperaba un apartamento sin estrenar.

2do. Que tuviera calefacción.

3ro. Que fuera pequeño y resultó todo lo contrario, pues estaba usado, era frío y ancho.

Atentamente, Sr. Inconforme.

Al recibir esto, la joven señora le contesta:

Estimado caballero:

Le devuelvo su dinero pues en verdad no lo necesito, pero debo decirle con referencia a lo que dice su carta que usted tenía que saber:

1ro. Que un apartamento tan bonito no podía estar sin estrenar.

2do. Que con seguridad usted no supo encender la calefacción.

3ro. Que yo no tengo la culpa de que usted no tenga suficientes muebles para llenar el apartamento.

Atentamente,

La Dueña.

A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.



Another guy says, Whats that? The first guy says, That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.



Another one says, My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.



A girl asks, Whats that?



He says, That means I am a Double Income, No Kids.



A lady says, Thats nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE.



Larry says, A wife? Whats a wife?



She says, That means, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.