Dolly Parton and Princess Di both died, and found themselves at the pearly
gates.

Dolly Parton knocked, and in a moment, Saint Peter arrived.
He looked at them both, and told them that he could only let one in,
because heaven was getting a little crowded.
So, he gave them both one chance to convince him to let them in.

Dolly Parton lifted up her top, and showed Saint Peter the biggest and
most impressive set of tits hed ever seen.

Princess Di thought for a while on how to top that one, then all of a
sudden, squatted by Saint Peter and pissed on his feet.

He said nothing, but opened the gates and let Princess Di through.

Dolly was pissed off about this, and screamed Ã’Why did you let her in?
I just showed you the most impressive tits youÕve ever seen, and she
just pissed on your feet?!Ó
to which he replied A royal flush always beats two of a kind.

Q. Why was the blonde smiling during the lighting storm.

A. She thought she was getting her picture taken.

Boredom should NEVER be an symptom in your life. All you need to do is read this list and Rock-N-Roll!

WARNING: Some of these may result in people chasing you. Always wear tennis shows and have your escape route planned out 🙂

1: Reply to everything someone says with, thats what YOU think!

2: Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets.

(This one is especially useful if youre having a yard sale!)

3: Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask – are you sure?

(Not recommended at Biker Bars)

4: Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and repeatedly saying blah, blah, blah, blah.

5: Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

(Works even better if your rent a cop uniform.)

6: Go to your local mall. Walk up to strangers and say: Do you hear that? What? Never mind, its gone now. If they answer you, go to plan 4 above. Be prepared to run real fast 🙂

7: Go to the local electronics or appliance store. Adjust the tint on all their TVs so that all the people are green. When an employees asks what youre doing, insist that you like it that way.

8: Drive around your city or town honking at pedestians. Flip them off while driving by. Collect points for reactions:

A: They flip you off – plus 20 points.

B: They wave at you – minus 10 points.

C: No reaction or blank stare – minus 10 points.

D: They trip or run into something while staring – plus 25 points.

Bonus: If they fall down, give yourself 100 points.

Reggie owned an elephant, but the cost of feeding it was getting out of hand. Then he got an idea. He had seen elephants lift one leg, and even two legs. Once in a circus hed even seen an elephant lift three legs in the air and stand on just one.

So Reggie announced to the world that hed pay ten thousand dollars to anyone who could make his elephant stand in the air on no legs. However, each person who wanted to try would have to pay a hundred dollars.

People came from near and far. They tried everything from coaxing to hypnotism, but no one could make the elephant rise up in the air.

Then one day a blue convertible drove up and a little man got out and addressed Reggie: Is it true that youll pay ten thousand dollars if I make your elephant get off all four legs?

Yes, Reggie said, but youve got to pay one hundred dollars to try.

The little man handed Reggie a hundred-dollar bill. Then he went back to he car and took out a metal club. Then he walked behind the elephant and swung hard, hitting the elephant smack on the balls. The elephant let out a roar and flew up into the air.

After the little man had collected his ten thousand dollars, Reggie was very depressed. Hed only taken in eight thousand dollars and now hed not only lost a couple of grand but still had the problem of feeding and housing the elephant.

Suddenly Reggie got another inspiration. He knew that elephants could move their heads up and down, but he had never seen one move from side to side. So he announced that he would pay ten thousand dollars to anyone who could make his elephant move his head from side to side. However, each person who wanted to try had to pay one hundred dollars.

People came from near and far. They paid their hundred and they tried, but, of course, none succeeded.

Then just when things were going well, a familiar blue convertible drove up and the little man came out. He addressed Reggie: Is it true that youll pay me ten thousand dollars if I can make your elephant move his head from side to side?

Yes, said Reggie, but youve got to pay a hundred dollars to try.

The little man handed Reggie the hundred dollars. Then he returned to his car and took out his metal club. He walked up to the elephant.

Do you remember me? he asked.

The elephant nodded by shaking his head up and down.

Do you want me to do it again?

The elephant quickly shook his head … Noooo!

A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.His co-worker said to reconsider and that Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, close to Canada, good public transportation, etc.Then he said: Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working.The first asked, What did you do there?To which the other replied, I was tail-gunner on a bread truck.

By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks.
Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.


Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.


Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. Big diskettes may be folded and used in little disk drives.


Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.


Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.


Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a hung or hooked state. If your system is hooking you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.


If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.


Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.


Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)


Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.


Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

Four guys are standing on a street corner…an American, a Russian, a Chinese man, and an Israeli…


A news reporter comes up to the group and says to them:

Excuse me…Whats your opinion on the meat shortage?

The American says: Whats a shortage?

The Russian says: Whats meat?

The Chinese man says: Whats an opinion?

The Israeli says: Whats Excuse me?…..

You might be a redneck if there has ever been a crime scene tape across your bathroom door!

The citizens of Chelm decided that it was inefficient for them all to be doing their own worrying. They had almost decided they would hire Chaim, pay him two rubles a week and hed do all their worrying for them, but then Moishe asked: But if we pay him two rubles a week, what will he have to worry about?

Im sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains. The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic. "I cant die today! I WONT die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I dont want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?" The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man. "I can make you feel like a woman," was his reply. He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said… "Iron this!"