Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the train drivers backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: Thaw the chicken.

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, Whatll it be buddy?



The man says, Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make em doubles. The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why hes doing all this drinking.



Youd drink em this fast too if you had what I have., said the man.



The bartender hastily asks, What do you have pal?



The man drunkenly replies, I have a dollar.

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Alex, the computer guy, to come over. Alex clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.



As he was walking away, I called after him, So, what was wrong?



He replied, It was an ID ten T error.



I didnt want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: An ID ten T error? Whats that … in case I need to fix it again?



Alex grinned…. Havent you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?



No, I replied.



Write it down, he said, and I think youll figure it out.



So I wrote out ……. I D 1 0 T

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.



When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.



Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.

The guy next to him asked: Why are you laughing?



I was thinking about my own funeral the man replied.

Whats so funny about that?



Im a gynecologist.

Judge Claudia Jordan of Denver slipped a message to her clerk during a trial.

The note said:

Blind on the right side. May be falling. Please call someone.

The clerk called 9-1-1. She told the judge not to worry, help was on the way.

The judge made a noise.

I wanted someone from maintenance, she said.

The trouble was the window blinds on the courtrooms right side. The judge appologized to the paramedics when they arrived.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

112. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommates potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommates potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, He just didnt belong.

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
taken.Youve got to have a room somewhere, he pleaded. Or just a bed, I
dont care where.Well, I do have a double room with one occupant – an Air Force guy,
admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to
tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms
have complained in the past. Im not sure itd be worth it to you.No problem, the tired Navy man assured him. Ill take it.The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. Howd you sleep? asked the manager.Never better.The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring?Nope, I shut him up in no time said the Navy guy.Howd you manage that? asked the manager.He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, the
sailor explained.I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said,
Goodnight, beautiful, and he sat up all night watching me.

A: The oven doesnt go to 700 degrees.