Everything takes longer than you think.
Archive for October, 2019
There is nothing wrong with you that couldnt be cured by cosmetic surgery.
Income tax examiner: Whats your husbands average income?
Wife: Oh, about midnight.
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.
I liked it, but I couldnt understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, she said.
What do you mean? he asked.
Well, everyone kept yelling, Get the quarter back!
The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for
Show & Tell, and the next day every kid had something.
The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?
I brought a Walkman.
And what is it for?
You can listen to music with it!
Thats nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?
I brought a lectrical can opener, it opens cans!
Well done, Kenny.
Umm, Johnny, I see you didnt bring anything!
Yes, I did. Its in the hall.
So the entire class goes into the hallway.
Umm, Johnny, what is that?
Its a heart/lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going.
Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?
He said, AAAARRRGGGH!!!
Two brothers, Tucker & Buck, grew up on a duck farm with their parents; Becky & Huck. Comin back from town one day Hucks truck got unluckily stuck in some muck and, worse, the muck was between the ties of a railroad crossing. Sure enough, a train arrived and ran right over Becky, Huck, and the muck stuck truck.
Freshly orphaned, it didnt take the brothers long to exhaust their resources and in order to raise some cash, they decided to sell a couple ducks.
Tucker & Buck each tucked a duck up under their arm, & went strutting down the pike. At a fork in the road, a wager was struck for 10 bucks, Tucker & Buck would each try his luck selling a duck and meet again later to settle the wager.
Hiking briskly, Buck passed by a bungalow festooned with a buxom B girl on its Balcony. The Lass beckoned to Buck, and assured him his duck rendered adequate tender for her to remove the bends in his gender. Delighted, he complied. When finished, he dressed and proceeded to leave, alone and depressed as only the truly duckless can be. The B girl was pleased with his talent it seems saying Buck, stay and play through again, when done Ill send you, with your quacking friend, packing! So he did, and left with his duck.
The duck became heavy to Buck, so he snuck a small leash round its feathered neck and allowed it to walk beside him in the road, onward they strode. But a moment later a motorist made muck of the duck, missing Buck by sheer luck. The duck mashing driver, overcome by a duck down quilt of guilt, console Buck with a Fiver!
Walking up through the yard of their inherited home, Buck saw his sibilant sibling stacking quarters on the steps, counting 50, 75, Five Dollars! Buck hollered What, only five for your duck? Why, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, AND five bucks for a fucked up duck!
Two friends in a Bar:
JACK: Joe, at what moment does your wife shout loudest during sex?
JOE: Er…, when I clean myself off with the curtains.