Old and New Jokes

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, Pardon me, maam, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, No he didnt. He just walked in the door.

Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?
A: Unite the Republican Party.

Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots havent seen the joke yet.

a man decided to go out fishing. while he was fishing his pole started to yank hard. so the man started wheeling in as fast and hard as he could. he saw the fish and it was pretty big.he said to himself ooo i can take this one home for dinner. then the fish sayed… if u free me i will grant u 3 wishes…BUT!…on your wishes your neighbor will have twice as much. so the man sayed ok…i wish to have a huge beautiful house.BOOM! theres a huge beautiful house house. but he sees his neighbor with two huge beautiful houses…so the man gets kinda jealous but o well. so goes on to his next wish…i wish had a nice red ferrari ok BOOM! there it is but he sees his neighbor with 2 of them! now this guy is really mad and says i wish i wish i had 1 of my testicles removed. ok ..BOOM! then he hears a big scream comming from hi s neighbor i think u get y.

Un barco estaba a punto de ser asaltado por piratas. En la cubierta, toda la tripulación se preparaba a repeler el ataque. En ese momento el capitán lanzó a su asistente personal una orden que llenó de coraje y valentía a la tripulación: ¡Tráeme la camisa roja! ¡Que todos puedan verme combatir valientemente! ¡Y si soy herido, que nadie pueda ver la sangre sobre mi camisa roja!

Llega por fin el abordaje pirata y la tripulación combate valerosamente, siguiendo el ejemplo de su capitán. El barco pirata es hundido y los bandidos sobrevivientes capturados. La tripulación felicita al capitán y todo mundo festeja como se debe hasta que, ya tarde, se van a dormir.

En la madrugada, el vigía los despierta a todos con un grito: ¡Barcos piratas nos rodean! ¡Son al menos diez!

El capitán sale a cubierta, seguido de su asistente personal. Todo el mundo espera la frase del capitán, la exhortación al combate… Y el capitán se vuelve hacia su asistente y le dice: ¡Tráeme el pantalón café!

Iba un jorobado con una borrachera del 15, calle abajo cantando la canción:

Madresita del alma querida, en mi pecho llevo una flor.

Y le grita una vecina de la ventana:

¿Y atrás que llevas? ¿La maceta?

En un parque hay dos estatuas, una de un hombre desnudo y otra de una mujer también desnuda. Las estatuas han estado allí, una frente a la otra, durante mas de cien años. Un día un ángel baja del cielo. Con un simple gesto les da vida a las dos estatuas y les dice:

Como recompensa por haber sido tan pacientes durante tantos años, habiendo tenido que soportar lluvias, tempestades y veranos ardientes, les concedo vida durante media hora para que hagan lo que se les ocurra.

El hombre y la mujer se miran y al instante ambos se van corriendo detrás de unos arbustos.

El ángel espera pacientemente mirando hacia los arbustos, los cuales se mueven agitadamente, mientras se escuchan risitas y otros sonidos. A los quince minutos regresan visiblemente cansados… pero muy contentos. El ángel, conmovido, le dice:

Les concedo quince minutos más. ¿Quieren volver a repetir lo que hicieron?

¿Tu que opinas, mujer?

¡Claro… por supuesto! ¡Vamos ya, pero cambiemos de posición! Esta vez tu sujetas a la paloma firmemente… ¡y yo le cago encima!

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust. Whats the matter? asked his wife. Did I hurt you?



No, replies the man, but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, shes playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! Hes going to be so angry if its not ready on time. And she dashes out of her friends house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!



Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm! And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!



Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.



Youre going to kill him, they say, or Hes just yanking your chain, but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.



Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. You killed him!



We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?



The wife stoically replied, Ahh, I didnt kill him. He fell off the mantle when he was licking his ass.

I woke early one morning,



The earth lay cool and still



When suddenly a tiny bird



Perched on my window sill,



He sang a song so lovely



So carefree and so gay,



That slowly all my troubles



Began to slip away.



He sang of far off places



Of laughter and of fun,



It seemed his very trilling,



brought up the morning sun.



I stirred beneath the covers



Crept slowly out of bed,



Then gently shut the window



And crushed his fucking head.



Im not a morning person.