10 Things Not to Say to a GirlFriends Parents The First Time You Meet Them

1. My parole officer thinks Teri has a calming effect on me.

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

3. Which one of you taught Monica to give such great head?

4. Can you believe it those shitheads at the corner market wont cash my welfare check!

5. Were going to keep our relationship quiet for now, my wife can be rather vindictive at times.

6. Those home pregnancy kits arent very reliable in my opinion.

7. Angie is so pretty Ive decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

8. Nice place youve got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didnt it?

9. There aint nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Monicas will be okay too.

10. Can I put my car in your garage? Im not sure how long that cop car will stay lost…

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

From a catalog.

How you get down from an elephant?

You dont, you get down from ducks.

What city has the largest rodent population?

Hamsterdam.

What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates?

Well done.

What did one cloned sheep say to the other?

I am ewe.

What did one magnet say to the other magnet?

I find you very attractive.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, they just waved.

What did one potato chip say to the other?

Shall we go for a dip?

What did the painter say to the wall?

One more crack and Ill plaster you!

What do cats like on a hot day?

A mice cream cone.

What do cats like on their hot dogs?

Mouse-tard.

What do cats like to eat for breakfast?

Mice Krispies.

Q: Whats E.T. short for? A: Because he has little legs!

The Court of King George III

London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson

c/o The Continental Congress

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your Declaration of Independence with great interest.
Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your
statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the
Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for
proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further
refinement.

The questions which follow might assist you in your process of
revision:

In your opening paragraph you use the phrase the Laws of Nature
and Natures God. What are these laws? In what way are they
the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please
document with citations from the recent literature.
In the same paragraph you refer to the opinions of mankind.
Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence,
it seems to us the opinions of mankind are a matter of opinion.
You hold certain truths to be self-evident. Could you please
elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not
be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting
statistics.
Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness seem to be the
goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If
you were to say that among these is the ability to sustain an
average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at least 55
years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news
without outside interference, and to raise the average income
of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years, these
could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
You state that Whenever any Form of Government becomes
destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to
alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government….
Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives?
What are the trade-off considerations?
Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive.
Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of
goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all.
You state that the colonies ought to be Free and Independent
States, and that they are Absolved from All Allegiance to
the British Crown. Who or what must change to achieve this
objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps
will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take?
We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to
prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are
your strategies?
Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for
implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided
the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory
committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas
of the principal investigators.
You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring
this since Queen Annes War.
What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include
any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-
range prospects of your undertaking.
Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget,
and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your Declaration
of Independence. We welcome the submission of your revised proposal.
Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies
with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?

Sure that sounds great! said Julie.

Well, how much do you want me to pay you? asked the man.

Is fifty bucks alright? Julie asked.

Yeah, great. Youll find the paint and ladders youll need in the garage.

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.

Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house? asked the wife.

Well she must, she was standing right on it! her husband replied.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. Im all finished, she told the surprised homeowner.

The man was amazed. You painted the whole porch?

Yeah, Julie replied, I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!

The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. Oh, and by the way, said Julie, Thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari.

I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job

–George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

This is a great day for France!

–Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulles funeral

Now, like, Im President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? … I bet if they did, I hope I would say, Hey, get lost. We dont want any of that.

–George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

For seven and a half years Ive worked alongside President Reagan.

Weve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. Weve had some sex … uh… setbacks.

–George Bush

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change.

–Dan Quayle

Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in

the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.

–Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

What a waste it is to lose ones mind–or not to have a mind. How true that is.

–Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund

I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland.–William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at.

–George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me.

–George Bush

If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that were in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that weve got to do something about the unemployed.

–Ronald Reagan

My fellow Americans, Ive signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.

–Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.

–Dan Quayle

Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think were going to succeed.

–Ronald Reagan

AND GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL DEBATES: Walter Mondale: George Bush doesnt have the manhood to apologize. Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, Ill put mine up against his any time.

FOREIGN GOOFS

Bite the wax tadpole.

— Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.

— ad slogan Pepsi Comes Alive as originally translated into Chinese

I am a jelly doughnut

–English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

We pray for MacArthurs erection.

–sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

–from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant.

–Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

MISCELLANEOUS

Im not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that.–Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States.–Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

Retraction: The Greek Special is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondies Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Fridays ad may have caused.

–correction printed in The Daily Californian

Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! Its rolling all the way back to second base! This is terrible thing for the Padres!

–Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?

–announcer of childrens radio show Life With Mother to her audience

Q: Why did Jesus Christ stop playing hockey?

A: Because he got nailed to the boards.

yo momma is so fat, her ass is the short cut to the grand canyon.

Sven and Ole decided to go parachuting. Sven jumps first, pulls his parachute cord, slowly drifts in the air, and enjoys the view.

Ole jumps after him, pulls his parachute cord but nothing happens. He pulls it again, this time as hard as he can, still nothing. He pulls the cord to the emergency chute, but that doesnt open either.

He passes by Sven like a speeding bullet.

Sven looks at him, and while unbuckling his parachute off his shoulders, says Sooo, you want to race, do you???

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ali!
Ali who?
Ali, Ali oxen free!